Today I hit the fan in freak out mode. Freaking out in panic because I cannot see nor even fathom how God will take us out of this place we are in financially. It feels utterly hopeless, it feels utterly crazy, and completely beyond my human comprehension. It’s the feeling I picture Sarah having at not having an heir and offering her maidservant to Abraham. The kind of fear where if I could come up with a good idea on my own to get us out of us this I would. I would hitch myself up and pull the dam wagon myself if that what it took. But, then I remember the consequence of Sarah’s actions and how we are still seeing the ramifications of her not trusting Yahweh.
I freak out and want to scream at Mark to get something figured out, yet he doesn’t have any better answers than I do. Freaking out would do nothing but demean and belittle him, when right now he needs encouragement all the more right now!
I don’t have answers, Mark doesn’t have answers, but, God does. There are lots of tears right now and I have to admit I’m fearful of the earthly chaos right now. It is in this moment when emotionally and spiritually I come to a crossroads and I’m faced with the choice to trust or the choice to curse God in my frustration. It is at this crossroads with tears streaming down my face that I surrender my will and trust God. Even though I don’t understand, even though it is darkness before me and I cannot see right or left, I will trust. I will stay steadfast in my Lord and Saviour. Even in the pain, even in the unknown of how bills will be paid, or what the future holds, I will trust. I will take baby steps and keep trusting, continuing to press on and finish the race set before me.
I will remember his provision, I will remember the times he has pulled us out of the pit, I will remember that eternity is won and I am redeemed. I may not be rescued in this life materially, but my soul is rescued, my relationship with my Saviour is secure. I will trust him with the rest of what I don’t understand and be thankful when the peace and joy overflow in the midst of sitting in the dark.