My relationship with my kid’s is often a mirror for glimpses of how my relationship with God can look like. Each stage that my kid’s go through I have been praying that God would show me the nuggets he wants me to learn about my relationship with him. The birth of Timothy is no exception, except I have a bit more wisdom than I had before. As I nurse and take care of every basic need for Timothy I am praying through how it applies to God as my Father.
At this stage in Timothy’s life he looks to Mark and I for his every need, especially me. I am his food source which has importance, but I also know even at this itty bitty stage his emotional, mental, and spiritual health is just as important as his physical need for food. I see Timothy and when he is nursing he is at peace and at rest, he knows he is safe. His open hands, closed eyes, and relaxed body tells me he knows he is safe, he is comfortable. He is even beginning to smile and trying to get out sounds to begin learning how to put sounds together and one day soon short words.
This stage that Timmy is in makes me think of the different references in scripture where God refers to us as his children. If I am to be like a child in a safe and healthy environment then I am to be as Timmy is in my arms. Relaxed and safe knowing I am not only being fed life giving physical nourishment, but my heavenly Daddy has even given his one and only son for me, he is ready and able to put his angel army at the ready to protect me.
At some point, I even see it in my five year olds, and my eight year old. The need, the desire to become older, to become more dependent. They don’t want to be infants, they don’t want to stay under my protection and they are constantly battling to figure out where the line of independence and dependence is drawn. As we get older some how we get further and further away from our heavenly father and we become not only independent of our earthly parents, we become independent of our heavenly father as well. As I study God’s word more and more, I am beginning to realize the danger in thinking that I can control any part of my world. I still battle the need to keep my world in order, relying on no one but myself, and realizing that that self reliance even keeps me from relying on God.
What does relying on God look like? How much of my life is God responsible for and how much is my responsibility? I am discovering the answer to this question as I type and it will be a life long search I am sure. But, I am praying God will show me and give me a picture of the nuggets to take away sooner than later. I do know that I say I trust God with my life, but, if I trust God with my life, why do I try and take over so much? It seems I easily say I trust God while it’s easy. Then life begins to get uncomfortable as it often does and suddenly trusting God isn’t so easy. I sob my eyes out, I get angry and take it out on Mark, our kid’s, and I begin to rack my brain for any possibility to get myself out of the uncomfortable situation, but nothing comes to mind. I am then left with surrendering and saying Lord show me what I need to do, help me to relax, and rely on you. Hmmm….seems like if I had begun by saying Lord help me to relax and rely on you, admitting I’m scared, but acknowledging that God has a plan and actually believing and living out that I trust him.
So, I need to be come an infant like my little Timmy. I became an adult and in so doing left my heavenly father in exchange for my own good ideas. I need to rest in my father’s arms for physical, emotional, spiritual, and mental nourishment. If God can create the universe and everyone in it, then he can certainly handle everything I need without my involvement, freaking out, desperate tears, or tantrums.
All of this is really ramblings for now, me talking out loud as I process how God being 100% incontrol involves me and does it involve me at all. Does it involve me simply being willing and ready when God matches my heart and desires with things that simply fall into place. But, what does God being 100% in control when jobs are lost, relationships are lost, and bills and housing needs to be figured out? Does God plop the house in my lap, does he pay the water bill without my help? It seems that I am the one who must do the physical work, so where does Gods 100% in control meet what I need to do. I don’t know, when I know I’ll tell you.
I do know I have peace, I do know my soul is secure and has joy, everlasting joy. I also know it’s ok if I don’t ever get it figured out. I do know the more I surrender the more God is able to work because I am not in the way. So, I am learning to rest in the father’s arms, simply being willing, ready, and excited that I can be provided for, that I will be cared for and loved by God. I’m thankful that joy and peace remain even as I strive to dive in deep and learn just exactly how the heavenly daddy/daughter relationship works.