Discovering who I am is the question and the journey I am on right now. The start of the journey feels a lot like a toddler who is learning to walk. The desire is there to live as the new person I am, but the old self thoughts and my old self habits are still being processed and sifted through the new self. Each old self thought and reaction is put through the new self filter. A filter that is directly attached to the vine of the Holy Spirit. Every old thought and reaction must be combated with the truth of scripture.
Some of the things I am learning is how to not have my emotions and mood controlled by how and what others are feeling and thinking. Learning and embracing that it is not my job to fix anyone, that job alone belongs to the Lord. I have a deep desire to walk beside others as they seek freedom in Christ. I have a deep desire to love and walk beside others as they walk from sin to freedom, but with in this desire I acknowledge and have peace that I am not the fixer, I am not the peace giver, or the life healer. Only God can do that, but I can be open and ready to give encouragement, love, and to walk the path with someone. No one can make you walk a path you are not ready for and/or do not want. It is for God to show others the paths he wants them to make. Learning to not react and get depressed when Mark is having a hard day and struggling is by far the relationship that is hardest to let the fixer mentality go. My old self thinks if I keep the kids quiet enough, if I have meals ready on time, keep the house clean, if I do, do, do, then Mark will be at peace. Those things do help Mark, but the only one who can truly minister to Mark in his soul is the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit who pumps encouragement, peace, and contentment into Mark. I can not give Mark any of those things. The things I do for him may trigger some of these emotions, but anything I give Mark will fade and wear off. Mark has got to find his self peace through Jesus Christ. So, I have to let go, I have to let go of being the fixer. The initial letting go is so hard, but the peace of not being responsible for the world, is AMAZING!
I am still struggling getting all I need emotionally from Jesus. My pattern often looks like I do great for a while, then I get lazy and start trying to suck emotions from human relationships. This always leaves me depressed and wanting more, it’s a drug really, an addiction. It’ something in my life that must be conquered. The Holy Spirit is working, but the vice grip I have on the ones I love is tight. I am learning what it means to let go of those I love and trusting them into God’s care. I must trust the plan and purpose God has for them on earth. I love my family so much, I have been blessed with amazing friends, and letting go of them is confusing and feels unnatural. It’s feel like I am betraying them. But, I know I must let go, I have the desire, I am willing, and when God is ready the Holy Spirit will show me.
So, who am I? I, Robin Jean Russell am a daughter of the most high King. I am saved by Jesus Christ, I am ministered and guided by the Holy Spirit. I am a wife to Mark and a mommy to my three amazing kiddo’s. I have a passion for home schooling and all be jiggered if I’m not good at it too! I am constantly learning my kid’s strengths and weaknesses, I am constantly learning how to teach them the best that I can and I love it. I love adventure! I love horse back riding and I am embracing that riding lessons would do me well and feed my soul. I am learning that I think I might want to take piano lessons and I am encouraging my new self to do something that might make me look like a fool. My old self hates the thought of failing and falling on my face, but my new self is learning to laugh at myself and be willing to take risks and do hard things. I love cooking and baking, absolutely love it. My motto is that everything that goes in my mouth should be amazing in taste! There are some things I need to figure out to filter it more into my life, but I think some of it will come in time as my kiddo’s get older. I love reading, but I often get overwhelmed with not being able to comprehend what I’m reading. I also have so many books I want to get through it’s hard to find a place to start. So, with baby steps I am starting to weed through the stake I want to read and glean from.
The most important who am I to embrace is that I, Robin Jean Russell and I am a child of God, I am saved by Jesus Christ and I have found true freedom Christ offers. I know and am convinced that, “He who began a good work in me will be faithful to complete me”! God’s has been faithful before and I know he will be faithful again! I press on my journey, because it’s worth!
My prayer is that you too will begin your journey! I promise, it’s worth it!
“the peace of not being responsible for the world, is AMAZING!” Yes it is, and that was a big new freedom for me just three years ago. I totally get that. Thanks for this joyful wisdom.