Wandering, but not lost…

Just in case you are wondering how our process is going, well, we’re still waiting. As tired as you may be of hearing it, is as tired of it as we are. But, one thing has been pleasantly surprising in all of it.  The one thing I have been waiting to see how it would play out, that is my emotions and more importantly how my relationship with God would play out in all of it. I have been overjoyed to watch the fruit in my own life play out. I say this not in a boasting way, but in a very real, very raw emotions of all that is playing out.

We have some ideas now of where we would like to go and how to get there, but if we have learned anything about this process is that we can proceed, we can plan, but God has the ultimate say. Up until now his answers have been not only no, but he has shut, locked, and bolted the doors, not to be revisited. Which honestly has been ok and every time God has shut a door it has been with relief that it was shut. It was with full mental and emotional relief knowing that all along we have asked for God to guide us and lead us. Every door shut was God telling us, nope not that one, at first and sometimes still it is a hard and frustrating process, but more than anything it is a relief knowing that God loves us enough to say no. God loves us enough to not allow us to fend for ourselves. The true love of a parent is being able to stand your ground, especially when you can see the desperate agony of your beloved child asking you for something they so desperately want, but you have to say no, because it’s not what is best or good for them. They can’t see it, but I as the parent am well aware of the danger to them. So, for now, God has said no.

We made it to church this morning, the first time in literally four and half months, but I was truly excited and ready to go back. Crossroads church has become our church home. I have longed for a church body for so long, one that I longed to be with, one that was so worth going to, one that the relationships meant so much to me I would be willing to wake up early on Sunday morning to be with them. A body where the hassle of getting my kids ready and out the door, would be worth the fellowship that awaited me. Our church has become that for me, so much so that I even told Mark that I am ready when he is to start the membership process. Those that know me know that the only thing I have committed to in my whole life is my husband and my kids. For some reason I had commitment and honestly, it freaks me out, I can’t tell you why, but it does. However, the thought of becoming a member at our church is one of joyfully serving.

During worship this morning, as we were singing I looked around me at my family, at my friends who have become family, at a church who has become home. While I don’t know where we are going to live or what it looks like, I do know that in the midst of it I am loved, I am seen, and I am cared about. I know that I am richly blessed in all the ways that are so important and it has nothing to do with anything I could buy or attain on my own. I could never buy that which God has blessed me the most richly with.  God has helped me put our lives in perspective, he has helped me to see all that is around me, more than anything he has helped me to see that my relationship with him is not only secure, but deeper than it has ever been. I literally trust him to take me anywhere. I trust him through this process, I trust him to see us through. I am also peaceful, oddly peaceful, but wonderfully peaceful. It seems as if I have come through the dark part of this process and come into the hopeful light, the peaceful light of knowing God has us in his hands. I am in the place where God is able to use his people the most. I have finally thrown up my hands and shouted, “Fine, whatever you want to do with me, I’ll do it, just do it!!!” It is in this place that God can do wonderful amazing things with me, with us, because we are not in his way with our good ideas. Because I am at a loss of where to go or what to do, I look to him solely for my guide, I look to him to say turn, stay, go, stop. He is able to do so much with my heart and my mind, because I am finally speechless and ready to listen and ready to obey. I have willingly put myself into the potters hands and have not only given permission, but I have gone to him to ask him to remold me, to remake me, and allowing him to bring out whatever he will, to his glory.

I have found the gem in this all, that where ever he would call me, I would go. Whatever he asks of me, I will do. Even if all it is becomes more waiting, I trust him. He knows what he is doing. I will praise Him while I’m waiting, because that is where peace is found.