I am constantly amazed as I watch my kid’s, especially my oldest grow, mature, understand new concepts, appreciate new beauties, and digest emotionally circumstances and situations they face. I am constantly amazed at the understanding that comes from their lips and how they are beginning to verbalize all that is running through their heads and hearts. As I watch them attempt to spread their wings in preparation for first solo flights the Lord has been turning the mirror on myself. My kid’s are not the only ones who have metamorphosed and continue to shed old skins for new skins, I too have been on a journey, and looking back the journey has been beautifully painful.
When the Lord turned the mirror around I saw myself as the 26 year old woman getting ready to have her first baby. Excited, up for the challenge, but wanting my independence even more. God took me, a selfish young woman and turned me into a softer, more loving, wise older woman. God has brought me to a place of wisdom, insight, and has given me a deeper love for my kid’s than I could have ever imagined. Maddie was a hard baby and did not become a good sleeper until she was three years old. That means for three years, for the most part, I walked around sleep deprived wondering if I would ever sleep again. When she did sleep she would wake up anywhere from 4:30 to 5:30, no matter what we tried she would wake up at the same time, like clock work. I was convinced I would never sleep again. Then the twins were born, again I didn’t sleep, not because they were not good sleepers, but because there were two of them, again it felt like I would never sleep again, except this time I had a three year old and newborn twins. In the midst of sleep deprivation, I did have encouragement, because Maddie had just turned three and for some reason that was her magic sleeping number, all of a sudden her tummy problems settled down, her restlessness settled down, and all of a sudden she was sleeping until 7:30am. A true miracle in our world! While we were sleep deprived with the twins, I knew sooner or later, the twins would become good sleepers, we just needed to pray a ton and wait patiently, and be thankful my parents lived in town and took the kids for weekends so we could catch up on sleep.
When the baby is born Maddie will be eight and the twins, as hard as it is to believe will be five or almost five depending on when baby decides to be born. In the course of eight years, Maddie has gone from a colicky, not great sleeper, to an amazing young lady who loves the Lord, reads at a 3rd or 4th grade level, who is the best big sister ever, she is my right hand lady. Naomi is our poke a dot loving, baby caring, home organizing, grandma loving little girl. Titus has become in love with mighty machines and has his heart set on owning both a speeder car and a motorcycle. He likes daddy and loves mommy and don’t get the two confused. He is hard working and fun to work with, he is a leader simply because people like being around him, he will stick to a task until it is completed.
It has been easy to get lost in being a wife and mommy, but you know what has been even harder, feeling like I need to find a purpose outside of my family. Feeling like if my home and family is my hobby than I am a failure to the human woman race. I find myself getting discouraged, because I feel like I should be not so committed to my family and my home. Yet, when I come back to my hobbies, what I enjoy, what I love the most, they are embedded in all that requires me to be a wife and mommy. I love gardening, I love painting and making our home a safe haven we want to enjoy and live in together. I love teaching our kiddo’s, it is my passion. Sometimes I find myself telling myself that is not enough, that I need to pursue something outside of what I am already doing. I find myself thinking less of myself because of it. I sink into depression, most of the time without even knowing it. Then the ever loving Holy Spirit will whisper to me to think about what is going on in my mind, to think about why I am the way I am at the moment, and to do an assessment of what is true and what is false. It is in this time that I realize how Satan has whispered lies into my head and I believed them, because for some reason they seemed so reasonable and so true. When I come to this point where I realize I have been listening to the enemy, I will literally say out loud, Shut up, Satan, be gone with you in the name of Jesus and I repeat this as needed. I begin reminding myself of the truth, I will even write it down, because some how for me writing it down and reading it over and over brings life and light to the truth. I begin to embrace again that which I love so much, my family.
Someday when my kid’s are grown and they have not only found their wings, but are soaring in their endeavors or perhaps are in need of prayer and help being picked up from their low spot in life, I will be praying them through both. But, there will come a time when all I can do is pray, encourage them, and watch as the Lord picks them up. There will come a day when I may wonder what to do with my time, wonder what is my purpose, but I am confident that at the right time the Lord will bring it when he and I are both ready. He has been faithful before and he will be faithful again. As much as my kids are growing, I too am growing. I am learning to grasp and appreciate myself, appreciate my hobbies, my likes and dislikes. I have been learning and seeing so many areas of insecurity in my life, insecurities that hinder me from having true relationships. Insecurities tend to mean their is a brick wall I have not realized I have built, which means I have been holding someone(s) at arms length, not truly letting them in or it has kept me from truly being utilized by God, which means fruit has not been able to come through, because something is keeping them from being nurtured. That something is usually fear of rejection and I am learning more and more that my success in high school at not being seen has followed me into adulthood. I am still very good at not being seen and while this subconsciously protects me, it also keeps me from being fully utilized by God. I am also learning that there are people, woman around me who need me to overcome this, because I have gifts and talents God wants to use to draw them to himself.
Watching my kids I am continually amazed at their growth, but I am also amazed at the continual work God continues to do in me to bring me to completion. He continues to turn selfishness into selflessness, insecurities into secure in him and who he has made me to be and helping me to appreciate my gifts and talents. Being able to rejoice with someone else in their gifts and talents instead of beating myself up, because I don’t have what they have. I am continuing to watch God mold and shape me, so that I can truly find peace in my life.