After two years of watching the housing market and waiting for the perfect house to come on the market, we’ve come to the conclusion, maybe there’s not a perfect house for us. Maybe we’re not suppose to buy a house, but then that leaves us wondering, what are we suppose to do? I start having an inward and outward tantrum, wanting God to change our circumstances, wanting God to move us forward. I know God has perfect timing, I know he is sovereign and has a sovereign plan. My spirit is riding the crazy waves, like a surfer on the waves that will eventually bring a hurricane, while my flesh is freaking out and sinking. My flesh works hard to listen to my spirit, because at times like this, even my flesh is looking for something to hold on to. So, it looks to the spirit, but my flesh can only hide behind my spirit for so long, and then it must have a sobbing fest, an angry fest, whatever will bring back balance in my emotions.
We have been surrounded by the love of family and friends, we are supported, but after a while, I get tired of needing to be supported. I want to be the one to support, not the one who receives it. I want to be the one who pours out, not the one needing to be filled back up.
When we moved into the house we are in now, it was amazing, it was wonderful, finally out of apartment life and finally into something bigger, with a door to the back yard! We were fine with continuing to rent, because Mark had finally finished school, we were finally ready for something more and renting a house fit us at the time. Now, home owning fits us, we are ready to be the decision makers of our home, whatever and where ever that looks like. Our kids are ready, we’re ready, but apparently God isn’t ready. So, we wait and the waiting has become painful, the waiting has become us lifting our cries even louder to the Father.
The hardest part of waiting is the depression that wants to set in, the longing to move mentally out of where we are to the mental place we want to be and go. It becomes harder to enjoy where we are right now, it becomes harder to stay content and thankful. Thankful we have a roof over our heads, for the graciousness of the owners of our house, for the love and support from our family and friends. We are indeed thankful, but also so ready for the next chapter in our lives as home owners. We also know from the past that we do not want to be hasty, we do not want to push the father’s hand, we want to wait, we want to go no faster than our Heavenly Father does. To do so would bring even more frustration, brought upon ourselves, because we refused to wait. So, we will keep taking deep breathes, we will continue to watch with great expectation and joy. Knowing that when God does move, I need to be ready, because boxes will fly, paint will be bought, and poke a dots but on the girls walls. I will wait, because God has not said to do anything else, and moving on my own time has never been a good idea! So wait we will! God be glorified even in the tears, even in the agony of waiting, and may he receive all the glory when moving day comes! Becomes shalom is found where ever my heavenly father is found!