We have had a first hand experience with being hungry, homeless and being afraid. Thankfully not all at the same time. Although some days, moments and months we wondered if it would happen. It’s not something anyone wants to raise their hand and admit. In fact it is down right scary. You know what makes it the scariest? Knowing the disapproving looks, glares and hatred towards folks who need help. We want to fill food pantries, we want to help give a leg up and yet to actually be someone who needs help, is painful.
On Thursday Mark was in a car accident that almost took his life. I shutter to think about what if a semi had hit him. The intersection he was at semis are coming and going all of the time. He is exhausted, his body hurts and caregiving is falling upon me. I am thankful his life was spared! I cannot image walking through life without him.
But, honestly, if I am going to be transparent as we attempt to do on this blog. We were struggling before he was in the car accident. Struggling with what to do with our business as our end goals have changed, therefore to some degree business goals have changed. One thing has not changed, the importance of homeschooling and putting our family first. We have been praying hardcore about what this looks like for our family.
Mark has started working a part time job, while looking for a full time position in his field of work. It has not only been a hard year, it has been a hard two years. God has been deeply molding and remolding us over and over. It’s painful and it hurts.
There has been more times than not we had no idea how we would pay our bills. We were barely living pay check to pay check. The day of the car accident Mark went to pick up his check and it felt like maybe, just maybe we were beginning to find some semblance of financial normalcy again. We would be able to continue to get us back on track. Then the accident happen and literally everything stopped.
I knew once Mark began to remember more and would be able to put more pieces of our life together he could spiral deeper into depression. I was truly, deeply concerned for him. I began asking those around us to pray for him. Asking the Father to show up in big miraculous ways this week. To provide above and beyond what Mark could image. What I didn’t realize, was the one spiraling would be me. The one giving up, would be me. The one not caring about anything anymore would be me. I want to care and I don’t. It feels like everything in me cannot keep going anymore. I don’t know how.
The one who needed the hope, the one who needed God to show up in big ways this week, was me. I have been trying to attempt life on my own. Come hell or high water I was going to keep going. I’m sure everyone around me could see me doing it, but how do you stop? When life is exploding in everyones life around you, how do you ask for help? How do you not just keep going? I don’t know the answer and I don’t know if I will ever find the right balance.
I do know I’m hurting. I do know I don’t know how to stop and I don’t know how to let others help me. It feels weak and it feels terrifying because if I stop, what if I don’t get going again. What if we don’t get going again.
Over the course of the last two years I have read and reread the passage in Daniel. The one where King Nebacanezzer has created the golden image. Reashack, Maeshack and Abendego refuse to bow down to the image. They are about to get thrown into the fiery furnace and they tell the king, “God will save us, but even if he does not, we will say, blessed be the name of the Lord”. This has become my prayer. When we didn’t know how we would pay our bills, the only prayer I could get out was, “blessed be the name of the Lord.” Durning Mark’s car accident and even now when life is even more confusing that it was yesterday, my prayer (even though today I do not want to pray) is, “blessed be the name of the Lord.” In my moment of my human flesh tantrum, my spirit knows better. My spirit knows God is in charge and is even now working. My spirit knows who my Abba is and exactly where my soul, body, mind and spirit will find rest.
Today, I want to give up. Today, I want to admit I am weak and I have no more go power. Today in my heart I feel homeless, hungry and afraid. I want to feel the deep, ugly pain. So deep and ugly I don’t even want to write this. I know I won’t want to post it. Who hangs their ugliness out on the line for all to see?
I will. I will do it, because greater is He that is in me than he who is in the world. I will because when light is shinned on darkness, the light wins. I will because if there is someone, anyone who draws hope and courage and no longer feels afraid, then I want to be that person.
God has showed up in little ways that build into big ways. This has been the case these last two years. God shows up just enough for it to feel like torture. It leaves us feeling confused because while we are beyond grateful for the ways he is showing up, it’s not how we want him to show up. It may seem ungrateful, but we also know if he where to show up in the one way we need him to, the rest wouldn’t be needed at all. Then we could help the homeless, hungry and afraid, but not be the homeless, hungry or afraid.
We don’t have any answers. My heart hurts, my body hurts and I don’t know how I will keep walking. But, I do know and I am thankful for those who have come around us. I am thankful for the small ways that have turned into big ways of the body of Christ surrounding us. You have loved us and you have loved us well! Thank you!
Thank you for telling me to be weak. Thank you for giving me permission to be weak and to need you. You have said these exact words to me, because you know me perhaps better than I know myself. Thank you.
I am broken, but God has remolded me before, he has healed my wounded heart and mind before. He is a good, good father and he loves me. The story he is writing through our family is beautiful, even if it doesn’t feel beautiful. Even if it feels ugly and awful, I know God makes beautiful things, especially when they feel ugly because we are the closest to what is going on.
I know the Lord will rescue us, but even if he does not, we will say, “blessed be the name of the Lord”!
You are certainly allowed to be tired and questioning when you find yourself in the midst of chaos. You and Mark have shown great faith and steadfastness . Your words in this post are so well crafted and I see God in every sentence. He is right there with you all of the time and He will supply your needs as He has all along. But it is certainly okay to let yourself be human. Praying for strength and healing in all ways. Hugs.
Thank you, Beth Ann for the encouragement. The love of close friends and family is helping to keep us going.