I have never lived my life as a one-moment-at-a-time kinda way of living. Heck, no! I did not have time for that nonsense. Seriously, how-in-the-name of getting anything done could I do that? I would have laughed, even on Thursday, I would have laughed if someone had suggested this to me. This time in my life when I have a buffet, not a platter or a plate, but a freaking buffet, slowing down was not an option I wanted.
I love the buffet and I love the thrill! For a whole year I got to be a professional adult. I got to talk to adults and I got to feel important. I helped to start awesome groups and I continue to work on bringing awesome people to our community. I’m excited to do it, but not at the neck breaking speed I was doing it.
Yesterday, as I was walking our dog Skye, I was praying. Which is weird, because yesterday, I didn’t have the energy or emotions to pray. I was fiery, red angry. Life was falling apart and there was nothing I could do. All I could do was stand back and watch everything I had tried to build fall to smithereens. It had not mattered how fast I ran, pulled or pushed. It felt like everything I had done this year was for zip, zero, zilch.
As I was walking, I started to realize I had pulled, pushed, run, and jumped for everyone, but myself. I wanted others to get the blessing from everything I was doing. I was willing to accept second drippings, so to speak. I was willing to accept the peace of those around me for myself. I had not petitioned God on my behalf and I had not asked God to see blessings in my own life.
I thought I had visited and dealt with this thinking during the Ultimate Journey, apparently not! I was willing to let rescue boat, after rescue boat pass by me. In fact not only did I let the rescue boat go by me, I didn’t even try to find help. I was willing to put everyone in the safety of the life raft and it did not even occur to me to stop floating alone in the sea I had created for myself.
It is no wonder I am so freaking tired! With tears streaming down my face, right in the middle of the park, I asked God for a blessing in my own life. I asked for his financial blessing, I asked for his spiritual blessing. I asked for him to bless me, be gracious to me, to look up me with favor and give me peace. I asked for me. I had never comprehended the christian saying, “if it had only been me, he still would have died for me”. It sounded like something good to say as a christian, but it still sounded weird. Then I began to ask for favor and blessings for myself and it made complete sense. I matter! I matter to my heavenly father in big huge ways. I matter to Jesus Christ, who would have died for only me. He would lavish and pour out his love for just me. I deserve to be rescued as well. Honestly, I deserve hell and damnation, but because Jesus Christ died for me I now get to be rescued as well! I not only asked, I am ready to receive whatever blessings the Lord is going to bring me. It still floors me and feels weird to ask for a blessing only for myself. I’m am more than ready to get use to it.
Our kids are generally great sleepers. Timmy will usually bring us his blanket when he’s ready to go to bed, we then put him on his bed, kiss him goodnight and he sleeps through the night. As you can image the last few days has thrown everyone in our family off. Every parent and caregiver knows “off” can mean a lot of sleepless nights. Timmy was unusually up three times last night and Naomi was up multiple times as well. We are slowly finding our way into normalcy at the moment, whatever that means. I realized last night that life right now would look like getting through one-second-and-one-moment at a time. I could not look at all day, I could not look at the week, month or year. I could only work in the moment. It was the only place my sanity would survive.
It’s weird to not care if work gets done. I do care, I care greatly, I love work! It is fulfilling, fun and awesome. But, after the accident, I don’t care. In the grand scheme of life, in the grand scheme of not being promised tomorrow, I don’t care. If anything the accident smacked me into holding my kids that much closer and tighter. It causes me to snuggle with Timmy in the middle of the night, long after he’s ready to be put back to bed. The moments with our family that should feel frustrating, are sweet and welcomed, because tomorrow I may not have them. But, today, I do have them and I am soaking up every moment I can.
I’m learning to let go of the past, be excited for the future, but to live in the here and now. Live in the fact that right now matters. It took Mark getting smacked for me to get some sense smacked into me. It’s painful, but I am thankful for it.