I have been sorting through thirty-six years of anger. It rushed over me like a tidal wave and I was sure I was never going to come up for air. It was soul searing, gut wrenching anger and one thing I have learned about anger, is it is usually fed by hurt. There was a large dose of hurt mixed in, but it was literally just pissed off anger.
I have been angry over a life I was trying to manipulate into the way I wanted it to go. You see I had ideals about what marriage, kids and happiness would look like. I have always been a dreamer and pursuer. I love the thrill of a good challenge to accomplish great things, conquer the challenge and try another one. Ten years snuck up on me, I wasn’t ready for and I was blind sided by the lack of “accomplish great things”. I was just a wife, just a mom and just a human being.
On top of it God was giving me gifts I hadn’t asked for and I while I’m thankful I could see them as gifts, I was angry they weren’t the ones I had set out to get. This mind set may seem sacrilegious or spitting in God’s face, but I had put blood, sweat, tears and more give than I have given to anything in my life. Still I felt stuck.
Last year I set out to become a blogger. Mark and I started the Southern Minnesota Social Media Breakfast, because I couldn’t make it to the one in Mason City often enough. My thinking was if I can’t attend the one in North Iowa, I would bring the breakfast to me.
Then out of financial necessity I approached a friend to potentially be a content writer for his business, but it turned out he needed me for a different role in his company. I began working with him to help manage his social media clients. Shortly after that I began working with community events and I fell in love with promoting Albert Lea’s awesomeness. I broke away from my friends company to set out on my own. I did a chunk of these things to help Mark launch his web developing business. So when social media managing business started coming to me, I was thrown for a loop and I really had to adjust my attitude. I wanted to be a homeschool mom, a blogger and community activist, not run a business.
Maddie has wanted a dog almost from birth. Two months ago I began praying for God to bring us the perfect dog. I told him you know the perfect breed, age and circumstance for the dog to come into our lives. I began to pray he would prepare our house and hearts for our new furry family member. When Skye came into our lives she was suppose to be Mark and Maddie’s dog. Mark would help Maddie train her. Turns out she has become my dog! I love her, she gets me and I get her. We are both loyal, lovable, but cautiously distrust the world around us. We both feel like we have been taken from the farm/colorado and forced to live in the city.
As I was mowing the lawn the other day, I let God have it. I have never mowed the lawn so fast as I did that afternoon. I asked him why he didn’t give Mark the clients I had worked so hard for him to get and why Skye, had chosen me to fall in love with. Granted I have wanted a dog since before we got married, but I wanted Maddie to have the desire of heart.
As I was mowing I heard God clear as a bell, those gifts are not for Mark and Maddie, they are for you! He gave brought social media into my life, for me. He brought new opportunities, for me. He brought Skye into our home, for me. He was lavishing his love on me as a bridegroom woes and lavishes his bride. I was speechless and pushed the lawn mower in awe for a long time. My brain began to soak in the truth of what the Holy Spirit had shared with me. I had become so engrossed with trying to help make everyone else’s dreams come true, I had given up on my own.
In light of the gifts God has given me, I have come to a place where I am excited to chose which ones I want to concentrate on and which ones I need to let go. Where do I want to be in a year, five years or even ten years? What do I want to work towards? I am smiling, thanking God for his gifts to me and looking forward to watching God continue to work in my life. I am also going to continue thanking him for the gifts and talents he has given me. I am excited as I go forward and ready to work hard to utilize those gifts and talents. I’ll keep running and not grow weary, because God is my strength!