I have shared recently that I’m struggling with my place in the world. I have been blessed with a loving husband, four beautiful kids, close family and friends who love me, a roof over my head, and a heavenly father who calls me his child. Yet, I have grown discontented with my daily chores and life. Frustrated and unwilling to stay where I am has prompted me to start asking questions and waiting for the Lord to reveal the right answer. The right answer will turn the tide of my heart and my thinking. It is the answer that will push my boat away from the dock and I can once again set sail to joyfully continue my work on here on earth.
As I have been talking with the Lord he reminded me that I am often not driven by a monetary return. Money has never been enough for me to do a particular job. When I worked at Hy-Vee while Mark was going to school the money I earned was necessary. However, the money was not what kept me going to work everyday. Mark needed me to work during this period of our life and because it was a need, that was my driving factor. The Lord has begun to show me that my reason for doing everything on earth has been to please men and then him. Which is completely backwards. When I stopped receiving my version of feel goods from my family regarding my jobs around the house, I stopped caring about the jobs that are pivotal to our family running smoothly.
I began asking myself if my family is not enough to keep me going joyfully throughout the day then what is enough. The answer is Christ! Christ is enough, he has always been enough! If I am doing all things as unto the Lord then everything I do is for him! I have always known he is the first one I should be doing everything I do as unto him. Head knowledge and heart knowledge are to very different things. Head knowledge without heart knowledge often triggers a robot response. The job gets done, but not with the tender care that heart knowledge adds to the heart knowledge. Head knowledge and heart knowledge need to go hand in hand.
The answer is I lost my heart knowledge. I had ignored Christ life and was attempting to do life on my own apart from him. I had cut myself off from the vine and declared no worries Lord I’ve got this when in fact I had nothing but frustration, anger, and guilt. When I came back to the vine and starting asking the Lord were I went wrong he was faithful to show me. I had put myself in the belly of the whale and said Lord I don’t want to go there, I don’t like what you have given me. When I was desperate. I called on the name of the Lord, repented of my rebellious heart, and I asked to be received back into his fold. He faithfully heard my cries and commanded the whale to spit me back on dry land.
I rose up off the sandy beach, smiled at the sun, and began my journey back to being a joyful wife, mommy, blogger, and pursuer of abiding with my Abba.
I am still pondering. I am still hashing out all the emotions because I want to understand what transpired. I want to learn all the lessons and attempt to not repeat them. Doing all things as unto the Lord, giving thanks in all things, choosing to abide in Christ, and allowing him to work through me.
Life is a journey to be sure. When I’ve lost my way God the Father is faithful to invite me back! He waits for me down the lane and receives me back as his precious and beloved child. I am my beloveds and he is mine!