I’m struggling today. I have been avoiding dishes, cleaning, keeping laundry kinda going, and letting the rest all go. I could blame it on having four kids, starting a blog, and the craziness of life. If I’m going to be honest and I am going to be brutally honest. I really want to quit. Somewhere along the journey I lost my zeal and zest for taking care of my home.
I could quit homeschooling and put our kids in public school. I could get a job outside of our home. I know that while I could do those things I would be feeding my tantrum instead of going to Abba and figuring it out. I would be running away (stomping away might be closer to the truth) but neither running or stomping would fix the ailments of my heart. I truly believe it is a heart ailment. I believe it is curable, I know it’s curable, but I’m not going to get through this muddy muck without anger, tears of surrender, and a good arm wrestling match with God the Father. I know my flesh will not win and I am more than thankful my flesh will never win. I don’t want it to win. In that icky ugly place! I want Abba to win!
This morning during worship at our church I was doing my best to not cry. Then the song “Good, Good Father” came on and I lost it. Tears rolled out of my eyes and down my cheeks as my soul gave into the daddy wooing from my heavenly father. He was speaking to my heart. He knows my heart is angry. He knows I feel lost and he cares.
Sometimes simple obedience is enough to pull my heart out of the funk it is in. There are plenty of times when the act of carrying out my daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly tasks are enough to jolt the joy back into my heart. There are other times when there is a much deeper process that needs to happen. I need to allow God the Father access to my heart and my soul. I need to ask him to accomplish that which I don’t even understand. I must trust the master creator. The one who knew me before the world began. The one who calls me child, the one who has become my daddy. In this time of anger that doesn’t make sense I am choosing to trust God in the process.
I am allowing myself to be angry. This is hard because I do not want any of the shrapnel to fall on Mark or our kids. Yet, sadly, it does. I hate my anger even more because I know it’s not their fault. I pull away and it hurts them, I spend time with them and my words hurt them. It becomes not the words but the tone and the tone matters as much as my words.
This was my thought process this morning. It is by no means rational, but when fear is not in check it often times sends me into irrational thought. I sat down to have a talk with myself and I have come to the conclusion I don’t care anymore. I think I”m throwing a tantrum because for the first time in ten years I have no where to draw my hope that our money situation will get any better. My life, my fate, is in Mark’s hands. Sure, I have my blogging but it could be a long time before it turns into producing money. It takes time, readership, the ability to write more than I am able to write now. I have lost my zeal to run my home and to teach my kids. I do it, but not with my whole heart into it. The connuntrum I am facing is that I want to do things because it benefits someone else or me. I’m struggling because I don’t feel affirmed anymore, I don’t feel a reason to keep doing what I’m doing. I use to have purpose, drive, and ambition. I use to dream, hope, and pursue life with abandoned joy.
I refuse to let myself stay in this thought pattern. It is damaging to me and my relationships. I began to pray and ask the Lord to give me wisdom into thinking this issue through. He immediately put the name of a fellow blogger I had met at a blogging conference on my mind. Recently I learned that she is also a homeschool mom! I thought she might think I had jumped off the deep end if I revealed the truth about what was going on in my head. I decided I didn’t care if she thought I was nuts or not, so I messaged her. Wouldn’t you know it, not only did she think I wasn’t nuts, she could relate to me! Who’d a thunk it that she has had similar struggles!
Talking to my fellow blogger was liberating! She told me the same thing so many have been telling me! Breath, prioritize, and breathe. I don’t know why that is so hard for me. Letting go of control and letting God be in control of my blog, homeschooling schedule, my cleaning routine, and our lives. In the words of a beloved brother in Christ, God’s got this! I don’t have to freak out! I don’t have to have it together every day, every hour, or every second. Is it nice when when I do have it together, of course it is, but it’s ok when it’s not. It’s ok because God’s got this, God has me, my kids, Mark, this blog, Mark’s business, and everything in the palm of his hand.
He’s a Good, Good Father and I am loved by him! That is where I will rest!