Today is our 11th anniversary. This is important, and a VERY big deal. Robin and I have survived a lot together. Yet, there are other things on my mind that I’d like to address right now. I have been meaning to write about one thing in particular for quite some time now and I’ve just never got a “round tuit”. At any rate, I thought I’d get a start on it today.
Since my auto accident I’ve done a ton of mental and emotional processing about it. However, writing about it will help me process better.
One of the major issues I struggled with at first was the fact that, to this day, I still can’t remember a major part of the day the accident occurred. That’s been really hard for me. It’s gotten easier over time, in this case, but I’m naturally inquisitive and I long to understand things. Yet, how can I understand something I have absolutely no recollection of? My brain still struggles with it today, but it brought me to tears initially.
I do have flashes of memory from that day. I remember arguing with Robin about one of our ex-clients before I left to go pick up my paycheck from my part-time job. I also remember joking with my boss about still doing some work up in the ceiling as I walked into Trails Travel Center, and then there’s the nurses and doctors faces over me, much like they depict in movies and TV shows. I remember Robin and my mother-in-law in the ER and as Robin drove me home I recall there being construction that made it hard to get out of the hospital, but that’s about it. I have absolutely no memory of the actual accident. It’s like all the missing spots from that day don’t even exist to me, like they didn’t really happen. I know they did, but all I can see in my head is blank darkness. I can’t even drum up a vision of getting back into my car in the parking lot right before it happened.
This type of memory loss might seem like a blessing to some people, but for me it was more of a curse. A lot of people would probably say they don’t want to remember the trauma, but I even wanted to see the surveillance footage that caught the accident happening. I did watch the video and it did help some, but part of what bothered me was that I still have no idea what I was thinking while it was happening. Our insurance company ruled the accident 20% the other driver’s fault and 80% my fault. The video clearly shows the other driver speeding, but I have no idea if I even saw him coming as I crossed into the median to turn left. It was just hard for me that I have no clue what was going on in my head when it happened.
I was honestly never concerned who’s fault it was, accept that if it really was more my fault, then I should have something to apologize about. Our insurance agent at the local office has been a blessing throughout the process. She had the chance to talk to the other driver who is a teenager. She told me that he felt really bad that he was speeding and was very apologetic. I told her I don’t hold anything against him and I know we all make mistakes. All the same I was wishing I had the closure of knowing what I was thinking while it was going on.
As my body continues to slowly heal physically, I have also began to let go of not knowing. Not because I came to any great realization, but just because “time heals all wounds” and I’ve just begun to forget about it. I will say, I do still wish I could remember at least a little something and it’s been one of the weirdest things that has ever happened to me to have such huge gaps in my memory. However, it no longer haunts me.
Now…speaking of the physical healing brings up the fact that the accident opened a whole new can of worms for my life. What seems to have happened is the wreck may have aggravated some already existing conditions in my body. These already existing conditions help explain why my body is taking longer to heal and why I feel so wrecked.
Mark~ I think of you and your family often. I know this has been a challenge, but I do have faith that you will overcome this. I’m glad you were able to share this with all of us, as writing is a form of healing.
Thanks Sara. You have been a huge blessing in us overcoming especially in your encouragement to keep moving forward.
Oh Mark! I have been keeping up to date via your and Robin’s posts and have been struggling with what to say although my heart is screaming with emotions but no words come to mind so they come in my heart cries to the Lord on your behalf.
As an emergency worker titled a Support Officer, I attend scenes where death has already occurred or may be eminent. Not always but usually. I provide on scene crisis counseling, family support and critical incident debriefing. It sounds as though you need some debriefing. Have you thought about talking to the police traffic accident investigator? Sometimes meeting with all parties involved could be helpful. The teen and his parents, police investigator , and EMS that was on scene, witnesses. Meet to understand not criticize each other but to help you get a better understanding of the surrounding circumstances .
I am naturally inquisitive and am desperate for details and to understand the ‘why’. Not to judge or pass blame but understand, process my emotions verbally, cause that is how I do it, correct mistakes and right any wrongs I may have committed. Well, just a few thoughts however if peace is being attained maybe my ideas may not be needed! Blessings!
Thank you for your concern Kathy. I did need some mental/emotional healing, but I’ve been getting it over the weeks since the wreck. This post is stuff I was processing right after the wreck, but never got the chance to write down. Now that I’ve had time to process I’m doing pretty well mentally and emotionally…there’s just physical issues I’m beginning to address, which of course have undoubtedly brought up other emotional and mental issues, but I plan to write about that in the near future when/if I get the chance.
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