“And the sin that so easily entangles”, but what happens when the sin you are entangled in is not your own. What happens when the sin you need to worry about is because you are trying to act righteously when you have been severely wronged. In your head you hear the Christian answer to forgive, in your flesh you hear and scream “screw you”. Which one do you listen to? It’s even worse when you feel and hear the guilt in your head thick as icing saying “what, you don’t want to forgive that makes you unforgiven by God, don’t you care about that” and even though not spoken you feel that every christian you know will shout the same thing at you (even though I know and firmly believe I am saved by grace, dearly loved, and dearly fought for by God’s angel army everyday) . The thing is I do care greatly about this and that makes it even harder! Is one right and one wrong? What happens when you are left wading the muck and junk that someone else put in your life and now you have to deal with not only the consequences in the physical but now also in the emotional and spiritual. And what for pity sake do you do when it happens over, and over, and over? What do you do?
Well, honestly, it depends. It depends on if I have been broadsided with it or if I have been praying for my heart knowing the blow is coming. Sometimes if I have been in diligent prayer the blow is not so hard, because I have been communing intimately with Christ over it and it feels as if God and I have a game plan. Then there are other times when it seems the sin has simmered and maybe we have come through the other side, then come to find out I’ve been land blasted, I don’t react so good to that one. I am not good with fast paced change. Usually I cringe and have a bad attitude until my thoughts can catch up and process to get on board. Other times I have been communing with Christ, I have been abiding, but the betrayal is so much stronger than I anticipated and I am left feeling like I am floundering in pain and sometimes anger and sometimes both.
Sometimes I blow up like a volcano that has been dormant for too many years. The steam and pressure have built up and I can no longer take the pressure. Sometimes I break down in a pool of chest heaving sobs, the kind of sobbing that takes your breath away and you have to make yourself breath, but the thought of even breathing is too painful. Sometimes, the sweet comfort of the Holy Spirit comes upon me and some how I find myself gracious, sweet, and understanding. Sometimes I throw myself into a fit of anger, sobbing, and still have a desire for a sweet spirit. That one is sometimes consuming and the most tiring of all the reactions I could have.
I do get angry before the Lord and before the person from whom the infliction is coming from. All of a sudden my mouth opens and out spews all the defiling things I am feeling. This is all usually screamed and yelled with tears streaming down my face, because I loathe that I even have to say them. I try to remain in righteous anger, but honestly I’m not really sure what that looks like or feels like, so I let it be what it is and try to filter through it later. There are always lots and lots of tears. If there are not tears it’s because I am trying to stuff them because I don’t want my happy-joyful mood to change.
But, there is no way around it, it DOWN RIGHT SUCKS, and the options are not usually ideal either. This is a matter for the Holy Spirit and it’s a matter of me dwelling in the presence of the most High God and not leaving his side. It’s of utmost importance that I abide closely with Christ. It’s of utmost importance that I enter into an act of worship in the form of songs. I immerse myself in the truth of who God is, I must immerse myself in the truth of who I am in Christ, I must immerse myself in how God views the person whom has wronged me. This is a hard part because I don’t usually want to choose this one, but I must choose to walk towards forgiveness. It’s a circumstance by circumstance situation in what the correct reaction warrants or what the right words are.
But, regardless of the hurt caused, if I abide, I will be ok. It is in this ugly, gross, smelly, nasty pit that God meets me. He comes aside me and holds me up, when it is too much for me to bare he comes along side me, in my tears and sorrow. He deeply cares about my wounded heart.
I often enter into roll of fixer with whom the wrong has been done by. I want to fix them, I want to direct them and I use anger, tears, and lots of other things to try and get them there. But, sadly, I cannot fix them, I can only rely on God to do the fixing. It’s scary, what if God doesn’t fix them, what if the hurt continues, then what? What if they don’t want to be fixed or get fixed or what if they don’t even see it’s a problem or will it continue to be a problem in the future? What if they refuse to see the future for what it really is? Then what?
I don’t have easy answers, in fact they are answers you probably aren’t going to want to hear. To keep loving some one who hurts you just isn’t fair. In fact it down right sucks. But, I know to find true joy, I must push through, I must hang in there, I must keep praying, and I must remain hopeful, even if hope begins to die.
I can’t change the person, but I can align myself with what I know is true, what is right, what is lovely, what is peaceful. I can make sure that through my anger and tears I am seeking out what it is God wants me to do and how he wants me to act. I need to seek his wisdom more than anything else I could do. I must remain connected to the vine or I will surely wither and die.
God is my help and my refuge, my ever presence of peace. He is my rock in whom my feet are well planted. He is my straight path, He is my trust, and my peace. He has plans to prosper me and not to harm me. God is at work even if I can’t see it. God seeks glory in even sucky situations, if God is glorified then I will be victorious.
My heart hurts, it’s beaten and downtrodden and it doesn’t feel like it will be bubbly any time soon. But, God is good, God is working, God will receive the victory!
To God be the glory I will fight and I will not give up!