I have dealt with a very painful past and I have dealt with painful things that have happened in the present. I use to be afraid of pain, so much so that I moved every two and a half to three years for about ten years.
Then about ten years ago I was stopped in my tracks. God was not going to let me go any further in my life until I had dealt with the deep pain that existed in my life. Ten years ago I began having flashbacks and nightmares about being abused. I was in the midst of a busy season at camp and there wasn’t much time to stop, process, and deal with the pain. I have to admit, I didn’t really want to deal with the pain either. Because in my mind the pain was so deep, so painful, and still so real I was afraid that if I started feeling all the hurt and all the pain and all the anger that I would be a deep dark mess forever and I would never see the light again!
But, today, right now, I want to be a testament to God taking a large search light and shinning it on my life. Ten years ago Mark came into my life, we began dating, and God used Mark in my life as part of that healing. God also used an amazing Godly woman, Cindy Dozier, to mentor me through a study called Called to Obedience. At this point I couldn’t even remember the last time I cried, but one of the sessions had me torn up inside. I still was not going to cave into the deep dark pain that I was sure was not going to go away. I was sitting with Mark at my house and he could tell I was torn up inside and needed to start crying. He looked me in the eyes and said, “Robin, cry! Cry, dang it!” Slowly, a tear crept out of my eye, then two, then three, then I was sobbing, soul sobbing tears, I was crying from all the hurt and all the pain and all the anger. I was crying for my mom who had been abused by the same man, I was crying for the destruction this one man brought to my life and the lives of so many. It truly is amazing how much destruction one man can cause. Since that moment when all the pain began to be released, the tears have kept coming, but they have lessened.
The testimony I want to share with you is that there is freedom on the other side of the pain! Pain is not all there is! Pain does not have to win in your life. I thought I was in a better place leaving my pain were it was, I thought I was safer and better off. I thought I was much better off staying in the pit I had carved for myself and honestly I kind of liked it there. I couldn’t be hurt there, I could decide who I let in and who I slammed the door on. But, looking back after coming through the other side I realize what I had created was a prison. I was lonely, I was afraid, and it was filled with darkness.
When I cried out to the Lord to save me, when I asked God to work in my life and my heart. When I became willing to face the pain, look at the pain, and to begin taking responsibility for the chaos that took place while I was running from the pain. So, really I was running from my pain and running from myself. I am so very thankful that God loves me enough to make me stop, even if I don’t want to. I am so thankful that God did not leave me were I was and I share with you that God does not want you to stay in the place you are either.
I want to encourage you to stop running, look at your pain, and cry. Sob your hurting heart out to God the caring Abba, and let the sweet love of Jesus heal your broken heart. I want to share with you that the pain does not last forever. I want to give you hope that there is smiles and joy on the other side. I want you to know that life does not hold complete darkness. When the tears start, when facing the pain starts, it is so piercingly painful that even breathing hurts. I will be praying for you who are reading this, I will be praying for safe arms to hold you through this process. Having loving arms hold you through this, having Jesus’s arms to hold you through this makes the hurt not so painful.
Choosing to let the pain flow, choosing to let Jesus heal my heart was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. Jesus has filled my heart with joy that I did not ever think would exist in my life again. God has restored unto me joy. I am thankful for the joy that I have found. I want to encourage you that you too can find that same joy. The same Jesus who found me lost and hurting, is the same Jesus that is waiting for you! He wants to take your pain and your sorrows. He wants to take you from the dark place you are in and place you in the light of peace and joy and hope.
I stand before you as a testimony that God can take a lonely, hurt, lost woman and turn her into a free, joyful, full of love, and full of hope woman. I am praying for you, I encourage you on to find the peace that surpasses all understanding! Jesus is waiting for you and will continue to wait with his arms open wide! I promise the pain will not last forever!
Praying you to victory!