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I dreaded reading this book. I tried a couple of times to read it and I put it down. I didn’t want to hear someone else’s story of a miracle. I hadn’t seen mine come. When healing comes for others I am truly happy for them. I am thrilled God changed their story. Yet, there is grief in wondering when and if God will rescue us.
A dear friend of mine bought me When God doesn’t fix it and like the good friend she is she would check in with me to see if I had read it. It was convenient to be able to say sorry I’m in a go to work and come home routine at the moment, with squeezing family into the crevices.
Then I got sick with covid. Stuck in my bed nothing else I can do but be sick. Finally, I knew. I knew it was time to read the book. You would think after 41 years I would know to listen to the Lord. But, I’m still not very good at it. I run mock two with my hair on fire until I get sick, really sick, and then I’m ready to pay attention to what the Lord has to teach me.
I usually run mock two because it is more comfortable than doing whatever it is God wants me to do. Silly, I know.
My biggest takeaway from the book is to not wait until I am at the end of my story to allow God to use my story. I am a fairly open book to the world. There is very little about my life I hold close to myself. The Lord showed me the thing I kept tightly to myself was how unworthy I was of anything. I firmly believed I was not smart, beautiful, or anything that made me someone. I never saw myself as worth pouring into and so I poured into others. If I couldn’t do or be someone I might as well pour into others who I know are capable of anything they set out to do.
When the people I mentored or spoke encouragement into did rise to a higher place be it an employment position, gaining a healthy relationship, or financial freedom I would get jealous, even mad. I hated this response because it is not true to my nature. I realized I wanted to soar too. I wanted my life to get better too.
What I discovered was I had looked my whole life for someone to love me. I wanted, needed, and had looked my whole life for someone to validate me as a person. I didn’t even believe God. If I don’t believe God, then how in the world will I believe anyone else. I had created a benchmark no one could have ever reached because I didn’t believe I could reach it.
I grieved when I realized how much of my life I felt like I had wasted. But, when I took the time to really soul search. To really look at my life choices. Yes, there are some not so fine moments in my life. But, I discovered I have been living out my whole mission and purpose my whole life. The key that was missing was my ability to believe in myself.
I started looking at my life as a whole. If God never heals Mark this side of heaven what does that mean for me and my family? What are some things I need to put into place? What I heard was go home. Work part-time and spend more time at home. That was the exact opposite of what I thought I should do. But, I backed off-hours at work, we cut out some activities the kids were doing, and do you know what! God has honored it!
So, my life doesn’t look at all like I wanted it to. I don’t think it ever will. The rescue I wanted wasn’t the rescue God gave us. But, that’s ok, he has a different plan. And for the first time in five years and at least in this moment, lol. I have peace. I have confirmation. And more than anything I have chosen to believe that God through the Holy Spirit will give me all the wisdom, guidance, peace, and joy I am going to need to get through life.
I have been an ugly, hot mess. I am and probably will always be an ugly hot mess. But, I am God’s beautiful, cherished, adored, capable princess, daughter to the King of Kings.
I don’t know where you are at in your life. I don’t know what you are grieving. I don’t know if you have been abused. I don’t know if you are ready to throw in the towel. But, I want you to know I see you. God sees you. He cares and he has a plan. I am praying for you and cheering you on.