There are times depression comes roaring into my heart and mind like a lion on the hunt and other times it comes in small waves that build into one big title wave. Both are destructive, both can at times interfere with my ability to function on a day to day basis. There are days I wake up and it seems the lion has run me over and mauled me, sadness and self doubt drip into the wounds and puss and gangrene try to take hold.
Whether the waves have over taken me or the lion is feasting on me, both separate me from the love of God, both separate me from the love of fellow believers. Depression tells me that I am not wanted, I am rejected, I’m a failure. Along with these thoughts Satan throws in loosing a library book, a frustrated husband, a defiant kid. Because if he can “prove” it, then it must be so. This makes the depression even worse and I slip slowly but surely deeper into the hell of my mind. It literally feels like hell and it may be a taste of hell, because I cut myself off from the safety and security of the Abba Father, in my mind I turn the light switch off and throw all the night lights in the closet. Depression festers better in the dark.
This deep dark depression does not take hold as often as it did in the past. There use to be times I would not, could not, emerge from the dark for a couple of weeks. I would journal, I would write poetry trying to come out of my misery. It was one of the darkest, most horrible times in my life. The weight of the world, the weight of the lies in my head, and the deep, deep sadness that went along with it felt like death it’s self.
The amazing thing with in this misery, was that often times I didn’t feel alone, in these times while emotional death was at my doorstep, the Holy Spirit was there battling for me. I did not go through these mental battles alone. God came looking for me, he would find me, care for me, and walk me through the darkness into the light holding my hand. Once I emerged from the darkness, he would leave me in the ever presence of the Holy Spirit. My God watched as his precious daughter struggled, the Abba, the one who cares more for me than the sparrow, would come and care for me. In these times my Abba, taught me that he cares me.
Now, when I can feel myself falling into the darkness, when I can sense waves of depression rolling in, I no longer let the waves consume me. I run for the light, I run for my trusted friends in Jesus, I run and ask for prayer. Because, when I voice my depression to the Savior, when I allow my friends to surround me in prayer, light comes into the darkness and the darkness flees. When I stay isolated I set myself up for attack, I stand alone, I am vulnerable for deeper attack. So, I stand in the light, I stand in the sunshine of God’s love, I stand in the love of my Saviour.
My prayer for you, my reader, is that God would bless you with friends that will shine the light in the dark places of your life. Friends, who will love you, share truth with you, and love you through life’s struggles. There is nothing sweeter than knowing that at any time you are surrounded with love and encouragement. I pray you will cry out to the Lord and then with confidence watch him come to the rescue.