There are times in life were it seriously gets out of control, all hell seems let loose, and there is no break in sight. We pray and pray, Lord let the storm pass, calm the waves, just like you did when you were with your disciples. Stand up, Jesus, stand up, wave your arms, speak and let the storm cease simply because you told it to. Yet, instead of getting smaller, the waves get bigger, the wind blows harder, and it feels as if you have been thrown from the boat and flung into the cold and harsh water, swallowed up by wave after wave, unable to breathe, only able to shout one word…HELP and coming to a point of pain where the only thing you can do is think it, shout it from our inner depth, because speaking is too painful, it feels too hopeless.
There comes a time during pain, during times were I feel defeated that speaking to God seems too much and it feels as if all I can do is accept what comes, roll with the waves, and take breaths whenever the waves let me up. There are times when laying by my Abba is all I can do, it becomes enough, similar to when I hold one of my kids through a stormy night. They don’t always need me to speak, nor do I need them to speak, holding them is simply enough. I know they are fearful, I know they are scared, I know they are weary and tired, they don’t need to speak, I as their Mama know what’s going through their minds and hearts. God is often the same way, he doesn’t need us to speak when words are too painful, sometimes silence is better, because he knows what would come out would not be truth, but anger and bitterness. Sometimes, it’s ok for that anger and bitterness to come out, because if it doesn’t it turns gangrene and turns into death as it drags me down to the depths of depression and despair. But, when I simply sit in silence next to Abba, he holds me, I let him hold me, which is strange because when I’m scared or hurt I want to draw away, not draw near. I don’t want anyone to see my flaws, mistakes, or my wounds. I don’t want anyone to to see me hurting or weak. But, there are times I am so hurt, I don’t care who sees me or even if I die.
It is in these times when the waves grow larger and the storm rages on instead of calms that I have to repeat over and over, God is enough, God is enough, God is enough. It is in these times when truth must reign over what I feel. Some moments the fury of the storm rushes over me so fiercely that all I can do is sob and cry out to the one who can stop it or to borrow the lyrics of a song, at least stop the storm in me. Some moments all I can do is cry out and pray my cries are not thrown into the wind and lost, but captured by the one who loves me so much, the one who created my inward parts, and knows me by name, the one who knows the days numbered to me. In the moments I cry out, in the moments that I sob, because I can do nothing else, in those moments, some how, a peace comes, not always joy, but a peace. It’s amazing how even when joy hasn’t sprung up, the peace becomes enough. The joy that comes with the peace is not always a well spring of happiness, sometimes it’s knowing, especially in times when the earth makes no sense whatsoever that eternally I am right as rain, eternally I am safe, secure, and loved. Perspective, it really comes down to perspective and humility. Will I allow myself to hurt in front of others, will I allow myself to bleed and be wounded in front of others or will I hide in my shame and sorrow?
It’s odd how in the moments of shame and sorrow, the times when we need the most love and the most compassion we want to hide, because we have been shunned before at these times. Why is it so hard to let others surround us, love us, pray for us, hold us through the trials of this earth. I don’t know why it’s so hard, but I’m so thankful that God reminds me not to hide, to let others know I’m hurting, I’m wounded, and I need help walking to the cross.
Sometimes, I think God let’s the storm blow, lets the wind howl, because he wants me to know in the midst of the storm, especially in the midst of the storm, he is still mightier than the storm. He wants me to see that even in the storm, there is peace and there is a firm rock in which I can stand. He wants me to know that He, my God is standing like an umbrella ready to protect me. He wants me to know, that storms don’t scare him, he wants me to know that because storms don’t scare him, they don’t need to scare me either. Sometimes I think God asks me even if the storm gets worse will you trust me, even if I ask you to walk and you don’t know where you are going, will you keep walking. Sometimes I respond like my kid’s do and stomp my foot and look at Him like he’s crazy. But, then, like my kid’s, I come into submission, I come into relationship and declare that yes, I will trust you like I have trusted you before. I will, because you do, I will because, you continue to be faithful, because even when I want to walk away, you never walk away from me. I will, because he is, I will because I don’t have a choice. What choice to I have? To give God the finger, sure I could, but God has never given me the finger, no he bends down gently to me and offers me his love. How can I give him anything else? It almost seems as if giving him my trust and all my love is not enough, yet he accepts it and loves me. For that I will keep walking.