I have a get it done personality. Obstacles do not deter me, discouragement causes me to try harder. In my mind there is always a solution. Sometimes the solution is completely revamping what I was going to do. However, to me, even that is a solution. No, is just not a good answer to me.
Not taking no for an answer can be a struggle when going before the Lord. As many of us know, no, is often Abba’s response. Over the years, I have come to peace with his, no. I have seen his protection and love, instead of seeing it as being denied what I wanted. I have begun to thank him for telling me no.
With this mindset, I push through life, I keep going, happily. It might seem weird, but pain often means I am almost to the summit. It is usually when I can see the summit, when I want to quit the most. I have learned to push through this painful moment to victory. Pain equals almost there in my mind. I understand the roads in life are roller coaster scary. I strap on my mental helmet, take a deep breathe, and keep going. In most situations this keeps me going when all I want to do is sit down and cry my eyes out.
What I don’t always see or at least stop to acknowledge and see, is God doesn’t always want me to push through. Lately I have been struggling with nightmares, I rarely have nightmares. These nightmares have been awful! When I calmed down and went back to sleep, they continued right where they left off. It was awful. My eyes have been doing funky things (probably from staring at a screen too long). The biggest difference I have seen in myself is a feeling of hopelessness. I’m sad. I can usually shake sadness off. A good sob fest and I’m back in the game. This time, I’m leery of even looking at the game. Part of me wants to runaway and part of me wants to stay in the fight. Yet the part that wants to run is louder than the pushing through. This is not normal for me.
Thankfully, I have the Holy Spirit, to help me realize something inside me is off. Something only Jesus can fix. Something needs to be surrendered and laid down. Something is too heavy for me to continue lifting.
The something lately, is business. Apparently I am still struggling with being a working mom. I don’t want to trade my kids for a business. I’m also wondering if I have what it takes to accomplish, all Abba is laying before me. The realization of all that building a business entails. I’m afraid of what it looks like when the business is established (which one would think would be reassuring, not overwhelming). Realizing I am responsible for a bigger part of the world freaks me out.
With this heaviness on my heart, my soul tired, and my body physically rebelling I run, not walk to Abba. I lay down in his lap and I tell him how I hurt. I tell him how I don’t know if I can keep doing what he is asking of me. I tell him how scared I am for our kids. I tell him how lost I feel and I’m not sure I can find my way back.
He listens as only a loving heavenly father can. He lets me cry, lets me throw up all of my emotions. In this moment I am loved, healed, and wanted. I AM, loves me. Laying aside Mark, our kids, life, business, earth, and seeking only what is eternal between me and Abba. Seeking truth of what is truly important. Seeking, Him.
In this moment with Abba, I also do a reality check. Asking Him if I am still on the track he wants me on. There are plenty of times I keep pushing through something when if I had stopped to check in, Abba would have told me to stop or slow down. Sometimes he says, nope, keep going, I wonder at his sanity, but continue on anyways.
I chose to trust what Abba is asking me to do. I am trusting him with the hearts of our kids, I am trusting the hearts he will reach through Russell’s Adventures. I surrender, in this place, peace and joy abound.