Life has been anything like we expected it to be when we moved into our new house. We have leaped, jumped, and gone down so many twists and turns we aren’t sure which way is up and which way is down. We are not even close to being done with the craziness and uncertainties. There is a song that says, “Sometimes he calms the storm and other times he calms the storm in me”, this season in our lives finds us with the calm inside us while the storm rages around me.
Tight finances are not new to us, we’ve been here more than we care to be, but God has always proved faithful. He shows us in everyday little things that make everyday so much easier to bare. He has provided groceries through family, groceries that allowed us to pay bills we were not sure we would have been otherwise able to. He has to this mommies joy provided ice skates for our kiddo’s, a blessing that was above what we needed and has been provided for anyways! I am so thankful that God gives our kid’s little treats of sweetness in the midst of uncertain life. Gifts show our kiddo’s that God does still care about what they care about, that God does still provide beyond our daily needs.
While the storm rages around us and while life feels completely out of our control, I do believe it is exactly where God wants us. I believe God is asking me to make a choice, to focus on the storm or to focus on him. Today during devotions God reminded me about the prodigal child, but he showed me that we can be a prodigal in attitude not just in actions. I can continue to have the attitude of a prodigal or I can put on the attitude of one who lives in the Father’s house. When I live in the Father’s house I am safe, warm, loved, peaceful, and joyful. When I live in the Father’s house the storms can rage all around me, yet I remain safe in the Father’s presence. I can live on the solid rock or I can look to my shame and embarrassment of my situation and live on sandy land, where my house will be destroyed. Whether the heart learning is a by product of everything going on or whether it’s the purpose of all that is going on I am very thankful that God is taking me deeper, showing me what true peace looks like and how to get it.
I have been a christian my whole life, I have been in some form of ministry my entire adult life, yet I am learning I never did know what total freedom in Christ looked like and what it looked like in my life or how to apply it until now. Now, I have a choice, I can keep living like I’m living or I can embrace the new self I have discovered in God. I can live in the truth Christ tells me and really, truly believe it or I can continue trying to coach myself. Which for 35 years has not worked, let me tell you, I have been nothing but lost, on a constant roller coaster of ups and downs, constantly trying to pull myself together all the while telling myself I was letting God do it. I was doing it in God’s name, but I was not truly listening to his truth, because I did not truly believe it. Oh, I tried, I hoped, I was desperate to believe it, but until I started diving into my past, the pain, got raging angry, let tears that still continue to come flow, I could only hope that what God told me was true. Now, I not only hope, but I really, truly, honestly believe it. Life is still hard, life still has it’s trials, but I still believe the truth of who God says I am.
I have been sobbing, I have been angry while on this rough road in front of us, but they are tears of I don’t know how this is going to unfold, tears of fear of the unknown, but I do still know that I am safe in the Father’s house. My humanness trusts God’s plan whatever it looks like. Looking to God to take my shame, my embarrassment, trusting God to make a diamond from the rough and I am confident it will shine brighter and even more beautiful when we are through the polishing process. Peace in the storm, found in the Father’s house and now where else.