I have heard the saying, “I wear many different hats.” I have found for me the saying is, “I wear many different shoes”. When I am on a field trip with my kids I find I wear tennis shoes or mud boots, at a client meeting I wear dress shoes, when I am home I wear no shoes at all. As I kick off my shoes to switch my many different roles, I am finding the questions I ask myself in each role is the same. I keep asking myself “who am I” and “who am I trying to please”, I also find myself asking “who do I trust” and “how much do I trust them.”
I am pleased with the answers I am finding! When I answer the question, “who am I?” I answer with confidence. I am beloved of the father, a delight to my Abba, accepted, loved, and wanted. I often feel like I am not giving enough time to every thing important to me and the times I feel like I have let a boss of client down I ask myself “who am I pleasing.” The answer is, I am pleasing my Abba and he is well pleased with me! When I blow it, when I am not enough for anyone on earth, the truth is I am enough for my Heavenly Father! When I look around at a world full of fallen humans, who fail one another, I ask “who I do I trust?” The answer is, I trust Abba. I trust who he brings and who he takes away. I trust not in Mark, my kids, myself, or others, I trust Abba. My success or failure does not define me.
I have found in creating a business I have either high highs or low lows and very little middle ground. I’m not sure if this is a learning curve finding steady emotions or if this is typical for leaders. Either way, In this place of high highs and low lows, it is pivotal for my emotions to know the rock beneath my feet is firm. The Rock is steady, consistent, and unchanging. My core is unshifting. When I succeed I am reminded it is not my success, but Christ in me working through me. It is His success, keeping me humble, and protecting me from crashing from any podium I would place myself. The only one who belongs on a podium is Jesus and never me. When I belly flop and land painfully in front of all the world, drop my sword, and want to run. Jesus holds me steady, he reminds me again, it is not about me. I curl up on my Abba’s lap and have a good sobbing fest. Getting angry for falling in the first place, angry that I am human, and want to be super woman who doesn’t need anything. I then submit to being human and cry some more. Healing tears, submitting tears, humbling tears that cleanse me from the inside out.
When I am wavering and wondering if I am enough, if I have what it takes, and if I can keep going, I blast three songs. These are my marathon songs, the ones that speak life into me and propel me to keep running when all I want to do is stop.
The first one is Brave by Sara Bareilles. This song reminds me to let Christ in me speak through me. Reminding me that God has a story he wants to tell through my lips and I want him to speak soothing, loving, and encouraging words through my lips.
The second song is Greater by Mercy Me. I play this song over and over and over on the days when I say something stupid at a client meeting and/or when I wonder if I have what it takes to accomplish all the tasks before me. Reminding me, it’s not about me! It’s about his redeeming blood and the love and life I am able to find in His redeeming life and blood!
The third song has become as my kids say, “it’s mommy’s song!”. I cry almost every time I hear it. He’s a Good Good Father and he is pleased with me! He is always pleased with me, he always loves me, rushes to me with a first aid kit when I fail and my belly flops leave a stinging wound. Rushes to me to high five me when I have allowed his successful words and actions through my hands, feet, and words.
There is tremendous freedom in life not being about me. The only reason you see me speaking, talking, and walking in front of what feels like the world is because it is Christ through me walking, speaking, and talking. Can I accomplish the tasks before me? Yes! Christ in me can walk on water and I’m ready to start water skiing or whatever else he asks me to do! When I come to the end of a frustrating day when doing the best I could do was not enough, I rest with tears falling down my face, I am more than enough, my Heavenly Father is pleased with me and loves me. I rest in knowing I can always go home and will always find rest!