I love taking care of others, I love it, I truly do! But, I am also learning that I do not allow others to take care of me. Letting others take care of me means that I open myself up to others hurting me. If they don’t measure up to what I was hoping, dreaming, and longing for, I end up wounded and bruised. It is easier to pour love into others rather than let them pour into me. I am left lonely and isolated, but in my mind I’m safe. I have come to realize that I expect catastrophe, I expect to always live in pits of different makings. I have lived in devastation for so long paradise seems unattainable to me. It has felt as if the carrot was always in front of me taunting me, but never attainable and it was in fact taunting and pain, because I could not have that which my heart desired so greatly.
God has been doing a mighty work in Mark and I’s hearts, he is healing the physical as well as he mental and the emotional, which will only deepen the spiritual. The work God is doing is bringing us closer to our Heavenly Abba and closer to each other as a couple. There are several areas in our lives that we have desired and it is beginning to look like God may fulfill these desires and dreams in our lives. Yet, I have hung back, I have slouched in my chair, and folded my arms, and I have not been willing to receive the gifts before me. I have been hurt before, I have dreamed before, I have desired before and it only felt like I’d had my hands slapped and my hopes dashed. What was the use in hoping and longing for something that would only be taken from me. Let it go, ignore it. I have also realized that as I have withdrawn, I have also withdrawn from Mark. I have withdrawn emotionally and mentally, and my body will always follow the direction of my emotions and mentality. I had withdrawn from Mark and become husbandless. I had taken the burdens and cares of everything in our lives and shouldered them alone. I had stuffed my virtual backpack so full of to-do’s and had written myself a checklist so long, if I lived forever, I still would not get them all done. I decided that I was going to shoulder life alone and man that backpack was so heavy. I filled my backpack with bricks and mortar and at any given moment I could quickly grab my gear and build a wall whenever and where ever I had a need, in the middle of bible study feeling convicted, get out the brick and mortar. Drawing close to friends who need me and I could hurt them, get out the brick and mortar because it is NEVER ok to hurt anyone! Too many tasks in my day to accomplish, get out the brick and mortar, paint on a smile and keep going. Without knowing it I had allowed myself to be trained how to paint on a smile and all the while allowing the love to fall to the ground and not penetrate my heart. I had put a wall up and no one, not God, not Jesus, not Mark, and certainly no one else was going to get through my walls. I would every once in a while open the gate and attempt to let others in, but that became too dangerous and with tears on my face I would shove them out and lock the door. I might hurt someone, I might make someone mad, and that is not ok, not in my book, I cannot handle hurting anyone. The one I cannot allow any one to hurt is myself! I have been hurt too much, I have been lost and lonely too long. I have been shoved away too many times and I’m tired. The one doing the shoving, is me. There is a battle in me. There is a me longing to escape, I peer over the top of the pit, and it is too scary to climb out. If I climb out I will expose the real me and the real me might not be good enough. The real me might not look like I need to and that, that would be too dangerous.
What is going on is a battle between my new self in Christ and my old self who was lost and lonely. The two are going to battle and this is called the flesh and spirit battling it out. There is fight going on in the heavenly realm as we speak and God be the glory Abba has called out the big guns, the big swords, praise be to Abba, he is fighting for me! The new me is embracing and learning to accept that which Abba has given me, I am accepting that Abba has so much he wants to give me and all I have to do is receive it, it’s free! I don’t and can’t earn it even if I wanted to, I cannot work hard enough, I cannot love enough, I cannot, ever, ever be good enough! That, that my friends, is the beauty of the cross! I am blameless and pure, I am holy and dearly loved! There is a battle, a fight going on, over me, and God be the glory Jesus has sealed me, delivered, and redeemed me!
I am learning to accept with great joy that God has my joy in mind! Abba has my peace in mind, he has my dreams and my desires in mind. I am learning to accept with great joy that Abba lavishes on his children and if the lavishing doesn’t come in this world, it will come in the next. Abba longs to bless me and it is so hard for me to accept the lavishing, because I am so afraid of the hurt! I am going to choose to rebuke the fear and claim the joy! I am going to choose to accept my place that has been bought at the price of Abba’s son Jesus! There was a cost and a sacrifice in Abba blessing me! I can live in death of emotion and fear OR I can cling to that which has already been one. I keep hearing Sixpence none the Richer’s song, and it says,
My life is up and it is down
I try to keep both feet on the ground
Your love is all that gets me through
All I need on this earth is you
And I can hear your voice reciting:
“I’m here, I’m closer than your breath
I’ve conquered even death
I am still here
And just like I was then
You can’t remember when I was not here”
Jesus, you’re the author of my heart
Told me you wanted every part
And now my life and its demands
Are resting safety in your hands
And I can hear your voice inviting:
“I’m here,
I’ll never leave your side
My stubborn weary child
I am still here
Please let me lead you on
Your race is already won
I am your God”
And I can hear your voice inviting:
“I’m here,
I’ll never leave you side
My stubborn weary child
I am still here
Please let me lead you on
Your race is already won
I am…I am…your God”
I often feel like the stubborn weary child and I refuse to rest in the place of rest, the arms of my Abba. I have stopped dwelling and abiding, I have basically told God I have this, I’m good on my own. Which is crazy talk! I am NEVER good on my own, EVER! Apart from him I am lonely, fearful, ugly, and in a deeper pit than anyone else could put me in. I have discovered a secret room that not even I knew was there. I had hid the key away and locked the door, not even letting my heavenly Abba, especially not allowing him in, because he will make me dig out what I have hid there. Apparently, I had built shelves in my secret room and carefully placed fears, hurts, and rejections up for safe keeping. I had hung weapons on the walls in case anyone would dare to approch this door. God found the key, he went inside, I did not give him permission. He began cleaning house and by the time I realized what was happening, it was too late, I couldn’t go back, I couldn’t hide, I couldn’t fix it. I had only one option left to keep walking, the Lord showed me a vision of him walking in front of me with a shield. The shield was protection, he was telling me it was ok, he was telling me he was protecting me and I didn’t have to protect me anymore! He was telling me he was getting ready to set me free. I didn’t need my locked closet anymore! I will be free. I don’t know if Abba will find more in my closet, but I’m ready to keep going. Whatever fears and hurts Abba finds, I’m ready, no matter how long it takes to cry it out, no matter how long the cracks take to fill in, I’m ready. The closet has been locked too long. Abba is patient, he began working before I even realized it so that when I realized what was happening so much would have already been weeded through, the stuff left on the shelves in my closet where left there for a reason. Because, these would be ok to look at, the deeper hurts would already have been gone through, he wanted to show me, that without me knowing it the closet had been emptied. There are still a few things left on my closet, but the door isn’t locked, it is open to my Heavenly Abba and I trust him to take me back to it when he’s ready and he will do it when he knows I’m ready. He is patient and loving, my closet door is open, my heavenly Abba has the key and I’m ready to keep walking. Apparently I had a walk in closet, because the junk coming up has gangrene and puss on it, it’s no wonder I have been so weighted down, it’s no wonder Abba had to start cleaning in secret. It needed to not only be chiseled off, but I needed to be put to sleep so it could be removed without hurting me more than I already was, it has been a gentle surgery of my spiritual heart. It’s been a painful spiritual recovery as I have begun to walk in the new heart and the new truth. Before the healing I had panic attacks, but now that I know what Abba is about, I can relax, because I know it’s him at work. I trust Him, he has done surgery on me before, and I have always come away more peaceful, more joyful, and more alive, and free than before! So, Abba, bring on the surgery! I want the surgery, I’m ready for the surgery! I pray that as Abba works in your life, you too will allow the great surgeon, the great healer to come and set you free! Shalom!