Our friends that are staying with us have a similar dream as we do, they want to farm! They desire to be self sustaining, Mark and I want to be able to get our milk from our cows, cheese, yogurt, cottage cheese, and many other yummy dairy items. We desire to have fruit trees, berry bushes, a large garden and herb garden. We desire to love those around us and to be a place of rest and refreshment. It is honestly a miracle how similar our dreams are. As we live and work with each other we dream out to one another and our hearts grow more excited.
But, I am finding that I am holding back my excitement. I keep waiting for the hiccup to come, I keep waiting for the unrest to come, I keep waiting for the division to come. My heart is guarded and I am hesitant to accept the dream as a possible reality, because I am afraid it will simply be snatched out of my hands and I will have to go through the grieving process all over again. I am afraid, I hesitate to get close to our friends because my heart is preparing for a day when we may have to say good bye. The thing I hate in all the world is good byes!
God is revealing to me many fears that are being brought up to the surface, I knew they were there, but I didn’t want to look at them because they were and are too painful. It’s easier to pretend they don’t exist, than to proceed into some thing that will hurt over and over again. I am beginning to take each fear and give it a name, giving it a name so that I can recognize it for what it is, giving me the ability to stop it in its tracks and rebuke it in the name of Jesus and taking back the freedom I have found within my relationship with Jesus. I can bring it to my Abba, cry about it if need be, submit to needing to release them to him. I don’t like admitting I have fears so I hide them away and paint a smile on my face, sometimes I do this even to God. I paint on a smile and go about my merry way, but it’s not merry, because the fear still exist. The fear of rejection, the fear of good bye, the fear of forever living in a place in which I will only be left lonelier than when before. I fear that God will hold out blessing to me taunting me but never giving it to me. I know that fear is not of God, I know that if God is withhold blessing from me then he has a good reason and I need to trust his reason. I need to wait upon the Lord and trust him.
God is working on my heart as he weeds through my fears and asks me if I will be willing to let him chisel it off. Asking me to trust him with my hearts. I am proceeding slowly, I am learning to trust. I am learning to give up my dreams if that is what God is asking me to do. To give up my dreams and desires for the richer more fulfilling things that God has for me. Trust is the name of the game, but it’s hard because human interaction has tainted my ability to trust anyone, perhaps, even God. But, I’m learning! I am joyfully learning!
God is stripping and peeling my fears off one by one and I’m going deeper with him and finding peace like a river and joy like a fountain. I pray you like me would cast your cares and fears upon the Lord because he truly does care for us!