I have always felt a little bit of a weirdo through my whole life. I tend to do things, say things, and live my life in the way I believe God wants me to. If you are a believer you know that often times this means doing things that seem weird to the people on the outside. What God wants me to say and do may not be compared with Noah building an ark on the top of a mountain in the middle of a dessert proclaiming that God will flood the earth, I do often do march to the drum of a different beat. For the most part I don’t mind and I actually enjoy being different, but I haven’t always enjoyed it.
In fact I would say most of my growing up, all through school, I did not like being different. I wanted to do what all the other kids were doing. For one, it was just plan ole cool, for another, if I went along with the other kids I wasn’t going to be rejected, made fun of, or something far worst than my young brain could come up with. I was shy in school or so I appeared, but I wasn’t shy I was insecure. Insecurity can be completely different than shy, shyness can come from insecurity and insecurity can appear shy. I know it sounds confusing but you may just have to take my word for it. Middle school, junior high, and high school I wanted nothing more than to be invisible and blend in with my surroundings. If I was quiet, if I stayed hidden in my books and in my world I would be safe. I struggled a lot in high school with depression, I would hide in my room for a week or two. How my mom let this happen while I was in school I have no idea, but she seemed to understand it, and soon I would emerge and be ready to attempt life outside my room again.
Who I was as a child and all through school is not even close to who I am now as an adult. Graduating high school could not come fast enough for me. To me it was a torture chamber, a place I was smothered and not allowed to flourish. I was put in a box and told I had only this much time to learn this amount of stuff. I walked across the graduation platform and never looked back.
I entered college and I flourished, I had more friends than ever, I was a leader, I wasn’t afraid to lead. All of a sudden I had been given a pass to emerge into the person I knew I was, but was too insecure, already labeled and stamped with how others viewed me. After a couple years of college, I decided college was not for me and sought out camping ministry. I found a camp named Camp Redcloud and feel in love with the ministry, the work, the directors, and the mountains. Finding Camp Redcloud would mold me and shape me into the wife and mommy God knew I would become. Redcloud would also give me the leadership training, bible training, and love poured into me so that I could then go and pour into another persons life. Camp would last almost seven wonderful, amazing, life changing years!
I got Married to my best friend Mark, we moved to Minnesota, had three kids, and LOTS and LOTS of struggles. Being married to a best friend is both amazing and painful at the same time. Because when they hurt you, weather they meant to or not it hurts twice as much because you love them so very much. Mark and I both as sinners brought suitcase upon suitcase of hurt and life experiences. I give God all the glory, honor, and praise, because it is nothing but the grace of God that Mark and I are still together. Nothing but the grace of God that he pulled us out of the miry clay and is using us to his glory. We still
have roots to pull up, we both have things to work on, but to God be the glory we are being set free to love God deeper and love each other deeper. It takes work, it takes setting down my pride for the good of Mark, even if I don’t see any, it’s praying and asking to see it. It takes forgiveness, asking God for large portions of it because I am usually unable to do it myself. It takes willingness and the will to want to, even if you don’t want to, it takes asking the Lord to give you the want to.
The point to this novel of a post is that my whole life I have been looking for a home. I have been looking for a place to belong. There have been times I haven’t even felt that I belonged to my family. I have been looking for acceptance and love and I have been disappointed time and time again. But, what I have been looking for is not rooted in what others can give me. It is rooted in what God alone can give me. I am still chewing on this and God is still working in my life over and over again in this area, but it’s true. There is nothing anyone can give you, that will replace what you need to go get from the Abba Father!
Ever since I left Redcloud I have been hungry to find the same life giving abiding relationships that I found at Redcloud. After seven years of farming my marriage, continuing to plow, plant, and weed our marriage. God, I believe has brought about to Mark and I amazing friendships. He has brought amazing pastors into our lives, he has healed my relationship with my family, he is continuing even now to bring great friends into our lives. God is even now returning what the locust had taken away and eaten.
For the first time in my 33, almost 34 years of life, I can honestly say, I have come home!