There are times in life when I run and run and run rarely stopping to breathe or smell the roses. Life becomes about surviving and not just living, living becomes something that other people can do, but not me. Life has seasons and while I think this is ok for a time, I really don’t want it to become a habit.
I have learned for myself that running at neck breaking speeds mean that I am not taking care of myself and/or I am running from something. Both scenarios mean I am not taking care of myself. I am a natural care taker, I love taking care of other people and sometimes, especially now that I’ma wife and mom. As a wife I want to make sure he has food for lunches, and some one to bounce things off of at the end of the day, I want to be his help meet. As a mom I want to make sure the kid’s are being fed, the right amount of toilet paper is being used, I want to make sure I know where they are at with math, reading, and science. Work through emotional crises of having to unload the dish washer or being courageous to attempt the try hockey for free day at the local rink. It’s 4 am feedings for our almost two month old.
I remember telling myself the last time I hit a wall that I was going to do better to remember to slow the train down before I hit the wall…um…I forgot. Actually I have been so busy I didn’t even know the wall was within sight or even existed. So, I hit the wall, but luckily, thankfully when I bounced off the wall this time Jesus caught me. I didn’t have to sit down in a pool of tears wondering what was wrong with me. This time I know what’s wrong with me, I’m tired. I gave out to others from my bucket instead of giving out from the overflow, the extra, the surplus. What I need to do now is curl up on Abba’s lap and let him fill me back up. I need to read a book, take a bath, go for a walk, maybe buy a new pair of jeans at our local thrift store. I need to take care of myself so that I can come back with a full heart and a bucket that is so full that it is splashing and gushing over to others.
At times like this I get frustrated that no one is helping me, no one is loving on me, but really the one who needs to pay attention is me. Instead of being angry at Mark or the world, I need to stop and allow myself to get my needs met. But, not from Mark, not from my mom, not from my friends, but from Jesus Christ. It is impossible for anyone else to meet my needs the way Jesus can. God can use others in my life, absolutely, but, it is still God through them meeting my need or want. I am learning to notice the wall before it even comes into view and honestly I’d like to get to a point where there is no wall. I don’t need to hit emotional walls because I am going to Jesus to take care of every need. Abiding in Christ, abiding closely to him so that my bucket never runs empty. In the process of learning I am so very thankful for a God who loves me enough to come and pick me up, dust me off, love on me, and continues loving me, reassuring me he never left me. Reassuring me he has his sights on me and will not let me go. His love is a sure love that does not go away! I can count on him for all my needs!