Timmy has gone on a nursing strike, although it’s not a strike, it’s a preference. From birth we have been bottle feeding and nursing Timmy, he has never objected or struggled with switching. Until this last week, he decided a bottle is much easier and convenient for him. I went through all the emotions of grief, rejection, beating myself up deciding if I had made a mistake bottle feeding and nursing. Today, I decided to do half breast milk and half formula. I had thoughts of great defeat, thoughts of I didn’t make it to the finish line, I didn’t run as fast or as long as I could have or wanted to.
But, then, I stopped myself and I began thinking how I nursed Timmy for three months! Three months longer than I thought I would! I was hopeful going into nursing, but it hadn’t worked with my other three kid’s and I was hopeful but not expectant going into it. When Timmy latched right on and knew exactly what to do literally from the moment he was placed in my arms he was a champion nurser. I began thinking of the blessing I was given of running the nursing race for three months! Wow! I also began thanking the Lord for allowing me the ability to substitute with formula. I also began thanking God for making me the best mommy I could be for Timmy. I am still in this race running, I just chose or many times have had it changed for me (I think the last one is the hardest one to adjust to, it feels like my choice has been made for me and that makes me out of control) to a different path to continue on. For some reason my thinking gets stuck on the path I’m on and I will beat the path to death to make it work and happen. I don’t need to beat the path, I need to stay calm, breath, and let God shift my course if that’s what needs to happen. Breath, child of God, keep running, but shift directions, paths, and definitely my thought pattern!
I didn’t fail this race! Not at all! I ran this race hard, I ran this race with all of my heart, soul, and body! I continue to run this race, because I’m still Timmy’s mommy and I will continue to give him my very best as his mommy! What has happened is I have decided to turn my mourning into joy, changing my stinkin thinkin as my mom called it when I was younger.
It’s amazing how quick I am to belittle myself, to downsize the effort I have done, or how quick I am to lash myself when I haven’t done something. I am a child of the King of kings! I am loved and cherished! Breast is best, but it’s not what defines me as a child of God, it’s not what defines me as a person. It’s amazing how much I let what happens form the person I am, instead of letting God show me how much he loves me through it. It really is a total mental shift! A good shift, but a hard shift, but oh so freeing when the shift happens.
I am a child of God, I am still in this race to be Timmy’s mommy, I am no less of a mom for having to switch courses. If I were sitting down with myself over coffee, I would high five myself for nursing Timmy for three months and for having the bravery to change course for the greater good of both of us. I would let myself off the hook, hug me, and give thanks to God for giving guidance and direction. I AM is making me who I am and the person he is making me, I love her a lot and I am so excited at the freedom I am finding! I wouldn’t trade it for anything this world can give me, but I will trade it for all the freedom Jesus Christ gives me!