I use to hate being alone, I still don’t really like being alone. When I was alone I thought too much and I didn’t like the things I thought. I would hear people say well change the way you think, I’m happy to say I’m working on it. Literally! The Ultimate Journey has been amazing in helping Mark and I begin to change the lies we have believed about ourselves and about the world around us. We are learning how just deep and amazing the truths God gives us in his word are and how they apply to me specifically and to all of God’s creation.
One of the things I have been telling my kid’s lately is that if they cannot find contentment alone they will never find contentment no matter how many people are around them. If they cannot learn to love being alone and enjoy themselves, then they instead of going to God to get what they need they may always look to people to entertain them, lift them up, praise them, and be their drive to keep going. This begins to train ones self to be a people pleasure instead of a God pleaser. I am one such person, I had trained myself to seek what I needed from those around me. How God viewed me wasn’t good enough and honestly I could have cared less what God thought of me. The way others viewed me had become a drug. One of the reasons this is so damaging is because humans are flawed, we hurt one another, not on purpose, but it happens. So getting my self image and self worth from a fallen people will in turn tell me how awful, worthless, and ugly I am. I am none of those things but it’s what I often hear in my head.
But, when I allow myself to be alone with Jesus I begin to hear how much he loves me, how beautiful I am, how he desires me and wants a relationship with me. I begin to see myself as he sees me. It has been quite the process to get to the place where I didn’t laugh outright at hearing how God views me, I simply did not believe it was true. My head knew it was true, wanted to believe it was true, but my heart did not believe it for one minute. It rejected it and as weird as it sounds the lies were more comfortable to believe. It’s one reason I could not stand to be alone because I couldn’t listen to the truth or the lies, both were too much for me to handle. No wonder I struggled with depression so much, no wonder I felt like I was in a pit most of the time.
But, God saw me and knowing there was not one thing I could do to pull myself up he walked down, picked me up, and brought me to high ground. He sent his son Jesus on the cross to die for me, when Jesus died, God was able to wipe off the filth and dirt of the pit I had been in. He was able to wash me clean in a way that no clean rag would have ever been able to do. God saw the state of loneliness in my soul and Jesus’s death brought a peace and joy that overflows like a fountain. It was hard to wade through the crap of life, there was and still are many tears that flow from continuing to wade through the muck of life. I do have to say that now the tears that flow are mostly from the realization of awing and amazing ability to truly believe the truth of how God sees me. It’s at realizing how much quicker I am at spotting the lies trying to come through my thoughts. It’s at realizing how much quicker I am to take every thought captive. I am only able to do any of this by the power of Jesus Christ. I am only able to be free because Jesus laid down his life for mine.
I still hate to be alone, but I am getting better at it, because I want to be able to be alone. I want to hear all that Jesus has to tell me, I want to hear his truths of how he loves me and wants me. I want to hear that he desires me, I want to radiate his love, I want to overflow so that I can give out the overabundance of what God has done for me and for you.
If you like me fear being alone, I pray that God would reveal to you as he has to me how amazing you are. I pray you would not fear God’s truth, I pray your ears would be opened and your heart softened to yourself. I pray God will heal your heart as he has done mine. That being alone would become sweet time with the Father and that your joy would abound because of the peace being with the Abba brings.