When I was about six years old I found our cat with a bird in it’s mouth that was only half dead. I rushed to rescue the bird only to have it die in my hand. My heart broke at the sight of that little bird. In one moment the weight of the cruelty of the world hit me. I remember telling my mom as she held me to never tell anyone I cried over the bird. Some how in my six year old brain I had decided I would never cry over pain again.
I didn’t cry when our dog died or when our cat died. I wanted to, but I couldn’t, I wouldn’t let myself. The weight of the pain felt weak and overwhelming.
I went through 25 years of my life committed to not feeling. Instead of feeling the pain I forced myself to see the hope in any situation. Including the most hopeless and painful of circumstances. Having hope would seem like a good thing, but when it kept me from seeing reality and seeing situations for what they were.Ten years later I took an Ultimate Journey class at our church. It was amazing, I became free in extraordinary ways. What I wasn’t counting on was the heartache I had worked so hard to shove in the closet.
I’m not sure what to do with this pain. It’s searing as I hear story after story of the refugees escaping Syria. My heart breaks over the unborn babies lost to abortion. The mother grieving over the baby she will never hold in her arms. Child abuse, domestic abuse, anger, hurt, and the down right evil in the world. It’s overwhelming.
The hurt of the world is heavy. The anger that causes hurt and fear is overwhelming. I don’t want to feel it and I find myself allowing myself to become desensitized. I also know I have found it is much easier to get angry, blame someone, or ignore the pain all together.
My emotions have awakened and at first I fought them and tried to hide them. I also found myself getting angry and feeling the ickiness of the hate and anger that seems to plague the world. I began asking myself what I wanted to do with this painful feeling. I could runaway from it, ignore it, or I could choose to feel it in the presence of God the Father. I could take it to the one who trades beauty for ashes, strength for fear, gladness for mourning, and peace for despair.
I want to feel it, I want to allow the tears to come, and I want to let compassion reign instead. In the midst of feeling all the pain I need a place to safely unload it. The place I have found is on the lap of my heavenly father. He is the place and the person I need to run to insuring my emotionally and mental health in facing the pain of the world.
I want to keep on perspective glasses as Besty Ten Boom did in the concentration camps. I want to see those around me as hurting human beings. Humans who have been betrayed, hurt, rejected, abused, or other horrible things I cannot remember. Some have such huge hurts they hurt others. It doesn’t matter if it’s a huge hurt or a small hurt, to the person hurt it still hurts. When I begin to see the abuser with eyes of hatred and anger it begins to do something ugly to my heart and my mind.
I want to feel the hurt, I want to feel the ugliness of the world, and I want to run home to my Heavenly Father and I want him to refill me with all that he is. The one and only pure relationship I will ever find.
This is the start of a new journey to me. I’m positive there will be more posts shared out loud as I grasp being able to feel again on this deep level. I’m not going to lie I’m nervous about this depth of feeling returning, but I’m willing. You will see tears streaming down my face, but it’s OK, my heart has awakened again. With all awakenings growth will come in amazing ways I never imagined.