My own worst enemy…

I don’t like myself and I rarely think I’m beautiful. I have a self image issue. I am trying to prove to myself that I am likable. For years I thought I was trying to earn the love of those around me. I thought I had never been able to attain any of it. I walked around unloved, but the person I have been trying to prove to all these years, is myself. For years I craved love, I needed love, and I could never have enough love. No one on this planet was able to give me what I needed. I walked away from relationships burnt and tired and ever frustrated, because again, I did not walk away with what I had hoped.

What I have realized today is that I loathe myself, how could anyone, especially myself, like myself? I fail, I say hurtful things sometimes, and while I do not do them on purpose (we’ll most of the time), I fail and the message in my head is it is not ok to love a failure, it is not ok to fail, and when you do love stops. I cannot love a failure and that is what I have become and that is what I will be. I have been searching for years, I have ran to five states searching what could only be found within myself. No one can give me that which must be found within myself.

So, how do I love failure me? How do I begin to heal the wounded me and by golly if running hasn’t hurt me more. The more I have run, the further I have gone from the answer that was right in front of me. I knew something was in front of me and I only needed to have the right question given to me to help me find the key to the door that held the answer. As Mark and I were talking over breakfast this morning I shared what I was struggling with and that I wanted to get it figured out so I could go through the emotions and move on and be joyful and truly love life. I asked if I was making Mark an idol in my life and I didn’t think so. I am in the word, I am in prayer, and yet there was a question that had not been asked that I needed to figure out the puzzle piece to. Then it dawned on me, I didn’t like myself. I have been trying for years to get people to love me, so that I could convince myself I was lovable.  I have been working for years and years to get people to love me so that I could convince myself, “see your lovable”, it was myself that I had to convince. Not friends in my life, not my husband, there was no one else in this world I needed to convince more than myself. The proud-of-myself vibe would wear off and I was back to being a failure. How I saw myself was contingent on my performance and if I didn’t measure up I fell into deep depression.

I am my own worst enemy, I am the person I have been trying to please all these years. It is I who must take the responsibility for the love I have not allowed others to give me because I have not loved myself.  When I have self hate instead of self love I cannot truly be free to love others because I am too busy trying to love and measure up to myself. It is not my parents approval I seek, it’s my own approval. I needed others to help convince myself that I as lovable, I was wanted, I was needed, because if I didn’t have others telling me this than the negative messages of being a failure, of being unloved, of being a piece of trash unworthy to live rang in my head like a echo that wouldn’t go away.

I am on a journey to turn my thoughts into joy. I am on a mission to change the messages I have been lying to myself for years. I am on a mission to seek the throne of Jesus and stay there covered under his wings. I need to look at my Father God and accept the love he has for me. To accept that I am enough! I am holy and blameless, I am righteous. I truly am! I am set free. I am enough! I have needed to have big Robin tell the little Robin inside me. I can be free to truly accept myself for who I am, I can be set free from the prison I have kept myself in for years. Freedom awaits me! Now that I know it is I who have kept myself at arms length, now that I know it is I who has not loved me, I can begin to love me.

I’m sure it will be a process and I’m sure I’ll still have days the messages ring loud and I need to combat them with the truth of scriptures. Days I need to have coffee and tea with my friends to sharpen me with scripture. How important it is for me to receive and accept the message God has for me. It is not others who have rejected me, I have rejected myself and told myself I am worthless and a piece of junk.  The blame is not on others, the blame is in the messages that has shouted in my head.

But, I can see, the blinders have come off, the right question has been asked and the answer has been given. The question of do I like myself and when I removed the christian answer and gave the real answer it was, “no, no I don’t, in fact I rather despise myself”. I was able to work through the pain, I was able to forgive myself for how much love I have kept from myself.  If I don’t love myself, if I don’t see myself as dearly loved by the father, if I don’t love me, then no one can love me.

I have the right question, I have the right answer, now I will begin to heal. I will begin to allow Jesus to pour salve on my soul. I will allow Jesus to help me bind up my brokenness that I have allowed to be in place. I will allow Jesus to show me what an awesome person I am and how amazing I truly am. This is not pride, simply truth. I am beloved of the father, I am wanted, I am holy, pure, and blameless! I am being set free!

Let the chains be gone and let freedom in Christ give me self love, let freedom in Christ give me self approval, let freedom in Christ let me be free indeed! I cannot find in anyone, including Christ, what I do not give myself. To deny myself, to be my own worst enemy means that not even God can like me, because I won’t let him, because I won’t let myself. So, I am going to begin baby steps to let myself. It’s going to be a journey, but I am so ready for the healing and the freedom, so let the self journey begin!