Last weekend we moved into what will hopefully become ours, ours to paint, ours to knock down walls if we want to. A home to make into our haven, a home to make into a place where those around us feel welcomed, loved, and accepted. There are still hurdles to jump to get to the ownership, but hurdles are nothing to God. God looks at a hurdle and says watch my glory, watch my power, watch for a miracle. So, with excitement, we wait, we watch for God’s glory and power, we watch for him to do miracles as only He can do.
We still have cleaning to do in the other house, but hopefully we’ll get that accomplished and finished this week. The last few weeks have left me humbled as I watch God’s body, God’s people surround us in love with prayers, encouragement, and muscle strength as they helped us move from one house to the other. One of the things I am learning about myself is that I have always had a large wall build up around me, this wall was called self-reliance and another wall was called self-strength. These walls kept me safe and it kept me from being embarrassed by my life, my circumstances, and the things in life I was ashamed of and didn’t want anyone to see. Even something as moving a whole house embarrassed me because I couldn’t do it on my own. My thought process was be strong, never show others your weak, never let others know you are about to fall apart and feel like another day isn’t worth getting up for. The Ultimate Journey is teaching me and giving me courage to not have to be strong anymore. It is giving me courage to say I’m weak, it’s giving me courage to admit I don’t have it all together, it’s giving me courage to have it be more than ok and completely acceptable to have needs and to sobb my eyes out when those needs aren’t met. It’s going to happen, I’m human, others are human. God in his love for me will bend down to me and hold me, he will lift me up as no human ever could. When he has come and filled the holes inside me, he will send physical help in the form of family and friends. But, he wants to be the daddy that heals me and holds me first, he wants to be the one I run to first, before any human or thing on this earth. No thing or person can fill me and heal me the way He can.
The first acceptance of weakness in this move as to actually admit to Abba that I was weak, I was exhausted and literally could not keep going. While I didn’t like it, I admitted that I was doing the best I could and everything else would have to wait and it would have to be ok. The second was to accept help from family and friends as they moved our stuff from house to house, accepting help as I sat on a chair in the new kitchen and watch as others organized and put stuff away. My brain and emotions were on fire shouting at me that I wasn’t good enough, that I should get my bottom up and keep going, all the the while my physical body was shouting at me to sit down. I even allowed myself to hear the words of love and gentle words of, “Robin sit down”, “Robin are you ok”. These words of love, of others taking care of me, were honey to my heart, honey to soul, healing to changing the mental thoughts I have each and everyday.
It’s amazing how we have a world full of hurt and lonely people walking around with similar walls to those that I have and others who have much thicker and harder walls. These walls are proof that hurt has happened, that life has been cruel, and instead of loved they have been wounded over and over. Walls are safe, but they feel so lonely, and everyone is crying out for acceptance and love. It is terrifying to break through walls, others will see me, others will know the true tenderness that lies beneath, and if they see it I can be wounded even more and I think I just can’t take anymore or I will feel as if I am physically dead. When given the safety to be free, we can learn to be free, we can learn to be safe outside of our safe circle, we can learn to find joy, we can learn to breath the fresh air of freedom of what others think.
So, I am weak and it is not my job to be strong, it is Abba’s job to be strong. It is God’s job to carry the weight of others hurts. It is my job to come along and love, it is my job to go to God to get who I am. Any other place will leave me weak and crippled. God’s throne is where strength, protection, healing, and love is found. No where else can the things that heal be found. We can try, but it will only leave more holes. I am strong when I am weak and weakness is not so scary anymore. It’s actually freeing and I am so ready to go deeper, I am so ready to lay down the heavy load I have been carrying and the heavy load has nothing to do with moving. Peace is found in the shelter of the almighty. It does not mean my mind has been warped or brain washed, it does not mean I have sold out. For me, it’s freedom and I don’t want to go back, I don’t want my old self, I want the new, healed, loved self. I want the self that can hear truth and love those around me compassionately. While I won’t be perfect at it, I will keep learning and I will keep pressing on. Healing is found in the arms of the Abba, it is in believing what God things of me is more important than what others think or feel about me. It’s finding love in the arms of a daddy who won’t ever hurt me, he won’t ever let me down. The one true daddy.
Peace is coming, healing is coming, and it brings me to tears letting it all go and not having to carry sword of protection in every relationship I face in fear I will only be hurt. God is moving in the Russell house hold and it is so much more than a physical address! To the praise and glory of God the Father we are breaking down walls!