I love being a champion of people. It brings me joy to watch someone go from a dark place to an empowered place of peace, confidence, and growth. It’s fun because you can see and feel the moment their light bulb moment happens. It is thrilling to watch make begin to make better financial and relationship decisions. You can see them shine. You can see them view themselves in a new light. It is truly beautiful and I LOVE it!
I have traveled throughout the United States. I never really wanted to travel any further than that. I have always seen and felt the needs right here at home and wanted to dig into my own community and country. I have searched for God. I have pursued relationships. I have chased job after job. Everything left me hollow. Honestly, even my relationship with God left me hollow.
The joy I saw other followers of Christ have, I didn’t have that. I chalked it up to growing up in the church and always knowing who Jesus was. You know. The Sunday school answers. Who created the world…God did. Who created me…God did. Who made my lunch today…God did. lol Not really, but you know what I mean.
The last five years of my life have been the darkest, ugliest days of my life. Days where I had a full understanding of why people commit suicide. Honestly, it’s not even that the pain is so bad, so much as there literally feels no other way out of a situation. So much so that death seems the preferred out. It’s all. Too. Much.
Honestly, I went into my marriage with the same goal as I went into any job, friendship, the traveling I have done. I wanted someone or something to confirm to me that I was loveable. That I was smart. That I was beautiful. I wanted to be seen. I wanted to be chosen. I was desperate for it. I thrived on the next, better, greener, better something that I was sure would come along.
As a child, I became a champion of people because I did not see myself as worth championing. I could not comprehend the world around me. No matter how hard I tried. There were times it was as if the person giving me instructions was speaking gibberish. They would get frustrated, I would be humiliated and embarrassed and I taught myself to hide.
I can see all along my life people frustrated with me because I had/have so much potential. I am great with people and I can run teams. Yet, I would get in the positions and I would flounder horribly. Now I know I didn’t have the confidence. While everyone around me knew I was capable of doing the job, in my mind, I felt like a fake and a phony. I floundered not because I wasn’t capable of the job, but I sabotaged myself because of my fears and insecurities. I was so afraid of not understanding what was going on around me and I didn’t believe I was capable of anything.
In some ways, I am so sad for the girl I was. It makes me angry that so many opportunities were stolen from her because of her fear. On the other hand, I pray the road I walked was not in vain. I pray that my story, my life will be a testament to others to rise up and make brave, hard choices.
I am from here on out going to champion myself. I am capable. I am smart. I am kind. I am beautiful. I can trust the Holy Spirit to guide me. To give me words when I don’t know what to say. To be silent when no words need to be said at all. I can trust the Holy Spirit to give me the wisdom and knowledge I need. And to trust He will bring exactly the right people at the right time to teach me the skills I need.
One goal I am going to pursue is becoming a life coach. This is as exciting as it is terrifying. Yet, I have asked people around me and they all say with excitement, “You would be amazing at that!” How is this going to happen? I have no idea. When will it happen? I have no idea about that either. It will happen when God is good and ready. I will keep applying to different programs and we’ll see what happens.
I am going to live out my dream of being a champion to those around me. To believe in them when they don’t believe in themselves. When the road is dark and life is messy. I am not afraid of messy lives. I am not going to be afraid of my own messy life. I am going to trust that God is doing something beautiful.
I am excited to see what my future holds. I am excited to continue on the journey of learning to love myself. To see me as a priceless, cherished woman. Someone who is smart, beautiful, talented, kind, compassionate, and someone who is worth me getting to know.