The last few years have been so hard. I felt lost. I didn’t know how to walk the road in front of me. I didn’t want the road I had been handed to me either. Yet, I had to walk it. I had to keep going. I couldn’t give up. There were many, many dark days. Days when Mark and I could no longer see the Robin inside me. My soul was dark and ugly. I am so thankful Jesus sat in the dark with me. Even when I didn’t want or like him. I am so thankful I didn’t die in the dark. Did you know you can die without dying? That’s what was happening to me.
Now, I can look back and I can see the ways the last few years grew me. I was strengthened personally and professionally. I learned to trust myself. I learned to trust my goals. I learned how to work hard and to see the hard work pay off. I learned to commit to something. I hate commitment. But here I am committing away and I am still alive! Praise the Lord!
I worked through my anger (well most of it). God was able to help me turn my ashes into beauty. I have ended up appreciating the road from which I have come.
I am learning to set goals and see what will happen. Slowly taking baby steps forward, but then giving myself grace when it’s not reached when I wanted it to happen. Reality check for myself (when does a plan actually go off as expected. Hardly ever.).
Then this year happened. 2020 happened. A time when we should have tanked like so many others we know, we didn’t. In fact, we grew. Our finances strengthened. For the first time maybe ever, we ended the year with money in our savings account. Our family has grown closer together. I was forced to literally take everything off of my life buffet. I was forced to slow down. It was lovely to go to work and go home and have it on repeat. I had been running for so long and for too long. My brain was literally giving out.
This year I am going to lead myself right where I am. I am going to continue taking responsibility for my life. Take responsibility for my reactions to what happens to me and around me. Take responsibility for tackling my dreams and goals. When God gives us tools, skills, and talents. He expects us to use them. Even if we are afraid. Even if we don’t really know how to go forward. Even if we have messed up our life royal. He expects us to begin walking to unstick ourselves. He will give you strength. He will give you courage. He will give you all you need to keep walking. He will meet you in the dark. He will meet you when you wonder if it’s worth it to keep walking. He will meet you and do the impossible through you. You have to apply elbow grease to your life. It is unfair to those around you to expect them to do for you what you can do yourself.
Now, this does not mean you do life all on your own. It does not mean you are an island and no one will ever help you ever. Don’t take it to the opposite extreme. It means praying and asking the Lord to surround you with a tribe or to open your eyes to the tribe you already have. You may have a support system, but have not allowed them to walk beside you. When we are wounded it is hard to see the love all around us. From those who are able to give us the ability to believe what they see, especially when we cannot believe it on our own.
One example of this is my sister in law Sarah Beth. She has literally fed you a scripture a day for the last two to three years. Everyday like clock work. At first I was angry and annoyed (sorry Sarah Beth). Then my heart began to soften, until now I look forward to each scripture. Especially days when I’m burning the candle at both ends.
I don’t know the areas in your life you need to take responsibility, but I’m also certain you know at least one at the top of your head. It may seem daunting. But if you start today, you will be closer than you where yesterday. What do you need to do today. What is one task you can do today that will allow growth to come into your life tomorrow. One step at a time. It is so worth it. I am praying for you and cheering you on.