The Lord has been leading my husband and I in heart surgery. He has been showing us to that if we are to live passionately, then He, the great I AM, Yahweh MUST be apart of our lives. We must live him, breath him, speak of him when we lie down and when we stand. We must eat, sleep, and breath him.
When I was in my twenties I moved every two to three years. I always felt unsettled, I always felt the need to look for something or someone more. I started praying for wisdom, asking the Lord what it was I was running from, what it was I was looking for. The answer shocked me. The Lord told me it was HE I was looking for. In all of my running, it was the thing I already had, that I wanted. I wanted passion, an adventure, I wanted to be loved. For some reason, I felt the need to look outside of Christ for my answers. Which, by the way, is never a good idea. Scripture tells me that if I am not abiding in the vine I am NOTHING. John 15:5, I am the vine, you are the branches he who abides in me and I in him will bear much fruit, apart from me you can do nothing. Which means there is not an adventure, a person, a circumstance that can fill me with the passion, love, and romance I am craving…none BUT the power of Christ!The song “In Christ alone”, says it well “In Christ alone my hope is found, he is my light, my strength, my song”!
I was molested when I was 8 years old by my grandpa. A man who was suppose to protect me with his life. A man who was suppose to love me, but didn’t. It is amazing the destruction one man cause. It is amazing the generational hurt one man can cause. I have so much anger I feel like I will explode. It is not a matter of forgiving, I choose to forgive, but it is an inner battle at times to forgive, to move past the hurting. I am learning as Mark and I uncover our hearts that my heart is more wounded than I had thought. The scab is coming off my heart and the Lord is removing some gangrene that has sprouted there. The gangrene could kill me if I wanted it to, I could become bitter, filled with hatred. I could let myself burro into a pit that is slimy and nasty. No one would blame me. But, there is life outside the pit. There is a life of forgiveness, that forgiveness allows me a life more potent, stronger than hatred or unforgiveness.
I am a hurting being right now. The hurt, the gangrene is deep, and it’s going to take tears and some poking and prodding of my Saviour. But, I trust my Savior, I trust my heart surgeon You see, he too, was rejected and abandoned. My Saviour, he knows my pain and suffering. He with his Abba Father’s help was able and did forgive the men who hurt him. I was one of those men who hurt him and he loves me anyways. I know that my God, the great redeemer and lover of my soul, will heal me.
I look forward with sharing with you the chunks of gangrene God pulls out and I look forward to sharing with you victorious freedom that awaits me. God has given me amazing family and friends that will encourage me, love on me, and let me cry. I do think it is tears that need to still come, tears that will lead to healing. Healing that will lead me to freedom!