For the most part I am an upbeat and positive person. I naturally see the glass half full and I generally give people the benefit of the doubt. To me it is usually more work and sad to see life any other way. But, then there are days, weeks, months, and years, that on days like today weigh upon my shoulders. I grow weary of walking on the water, my legs grow heavy and tired and I want to give up walking on the water and sink into the stormy sea. I know I cannot keep going on my own power and it’s days like today I must let Abba carry me. Walking is too painful and there seem to be no words that bring comfort.
The phrases “God has a plan”, “we’re praying for you”, “hang in there” grow dull and frustrating. Because, I know that if God wanted to he could bring us out of what feels like a pit. I know if he wanted to we could move to the next phase of life and have a phase of smooth sailing. I’m tired of walking, but tired of being carried, and wishing I could have the strength to stand on my own two feet. Strength to stand and praise and bless those around me instead of being the one rescued. I’m tired.
Even more humbling and depleting is knowing I am often times my families parameter. My attitude or lack there of is the umbrella to which my kid’s safety, comfort, and attitudes come from. If my kid’s are struggling the first place to look is myself and then it’s important that I go directly to Abba and ask him to search my heart and reveal to me what needs to change. But, there’s days like today where I don’t have the strength and honestly I don’t want the strength to keep going. I don’t want to be renewed to press on, I want to lay in bed and read a book. I want to cry, I want to wallow in self pity and stay there for a while. But, days like today I have to choose joy and patience, even when it’s not there. I must trust the Lord to manifest it in my heart as I choose to obey and love and shepherd my children.
Days like today when we’re still not sure how bills will get paid, if we’ll still have a place to rest our heads if we can’t pay rent. Days like today when bracing myself for battle with kid’s attitudes is more than my emotional capacity can handle. I know that grace will abound, I know the Lord will send in the Calvary and rescue me. I need to give myself permission to go loose it, to have a good cry, to bare my tired, weary, drowning self to my Abba who loves me. Giving myself a good pep talk, reminding myself what I would tell a friend in the same situation, giving myself permission as I would to a friend.
Being a mom is a tough job, it is 90% emotional and mental, it is being a friend and a mentor but with the tough job of calling my kids on the carpet and training and teaching them to a higher standard. I have learned from experience it is much harder to give up being consistent, because then I have to back track and reestablish my authority and my “I mean it” relationship with my kiddo’s.
On days like today I cry out to Jesus, then in agony I surrender because I don’t really want to surrender to where we are in life. I don’t want to surrender to living pay check to pay check. It’s humbling, it’s embarrassing, and I hate it. I am thankful that God continues to provide for us, but I just wish he’d provide for us in the form of Mark having an awesome job he loves and can’t wait to wake up to accomplish. A job that fulfills him and allows the family life we so desire. We try to wait patiently, but the waiting is painful and sometimes, like today because to heavy and I wonder why I don’t remember to lay it at Jesus’s feet instead of trying to pick it up. Lay it down, surrender, and allow myself to be carried feels hopeless. It feels like then nothing will happen, which is craziness, because I know I can do nothing on my own apart from Christ.
Father, bring peace like a river and joy like a fountain. Let me find strength in Jesus as I lay down my life before him. May I joyfully obey out of my desire and love for my Father God. Today, I’ll take a deep breath, I’ll do some crying, and allow myself to be loved. I’ll also give myself a break and allow myself to not be perfect, act perfect, and have the perfect answer. Today, I’ll be human and allow Jesus to love a wretch like me, because even on days like today when I don’t feel lovable or have love to give out. He still loves me, wants me, and cares for me. That alone makes it worth it to press on and not give up!