This school year I have been trying to find my mission, something I am passionate about and want to dive further into. Teaching the kid’s in the morning and then using the afternoon to further my own education. This can look anything like I want it to, it could look like taking riding lessons and mastering different areas of riding and training. It can look like conquering sauces, baking, or the perfect homemade ravioli. It can look like reading a math classic or learning to become a better writing. But, it does include stretching myself, it does include taking myself out of my comfort zone on purpose to become even more skilled at something. This is both absolutely exciting and horribly terrifying!
It is exciting because I want to be stretched, I want to master different areas of my riding ability, learning to make even more scrumptious meals and yummy treats for my family to enjoy, and learning to become an even better writer. Yet, it’s terrifying at the same time because people may see me fall on my face and I may land hard. Thoughts of failure and mistakes surround my head. In baking and cooking there is math and fractions and I am horrible at both! This terrifies me because I have tried so hard to hide my failure at being horrible at math. This scares me because the world will know how stupid I am or at least that is the message I hear inside my head. The biggest message is do not fail, do not fail, do not fail. When you have been hearing a message for 35 years it is horribly difficult to change the message.
It is these exact messages that I am beginning to take baby steps to making myself go outside of my comfort zone. I want these messages changed, I want to give myself the time to go through the process of fear so I can work through them and allow the Lord to show me that “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” I want the Lord to remind me that I am a child of God. One of the biggest things I am getting use to in this process is to accept and ask for help. I was thinking today that all of the great scholars I could think of had mentors in their life that challenged them and loved them to greatness. I am not going to achieve greatness in anything unless I make the decision to be willing to fall on my face in front of family, friends, or other mentors God brings in my life. To achieve greatness is to invite failure, I’m not perfect, I’m going to make mistakes, I’m going to blow it, and the sooner I become ok with this and be willing to learn from them, let Jesus pick me up, and keep going. The sooner I am going to taste the mastery level I am looking for at the passions and dreams I have for myself, my family, and for life.
I have a long ways to go, I have many more tears to shed, anger to work through when something I try doesn’t work, but I’m ready. I’m ready to work through them, I’m ready for the Lord to show me how amazing he is and what he can do when I’m willing to work towards my goals. I’m ready for the old messages in my head to be turned into truth and be able to use the new tools I’m learning to encourage others along in their journey’s.
I’m ready! I’m ready to try my best with Christ’s help! I always remember my pastor’s teaching when he said, anything worth doing is going to require sacrifice. Sometimes that sacrifice is letting go of my fear, my embarrassment, and admitting I need help. Admitting I don’t have it all together. Admitting I bit off more than I could chew and I need help. It’s showing vulnerability and being willing to fail in order to succeed! Acknowledging that any success I have is Christ through me and that to me is beautiful. Beautiful that Jesus uses a wretch like me for his glory! I’m ready to stop hiding, I’m ready to come out of hiding! I am ready to try, ready to conquer, and ready to try all the things I’ve wanted to for so long but have lived in fear and denied myself the attempt.
Peace comes when I give my fears to Christ and it frees me up to try without shame or fear! Peace is found in Christ alone and joy flows like a fountain as he breathes life into my soul!