I am tired! Exhausted, really. Yet, some how as they have before, things are continuing to get done. Meals are being made, laundry being washed, dried, and put away (well, almost put away), floors are slowly getting vacuumed. I’ve had a headache for most of the week, yet I feel peaceful and very thankful that God created coffee beans before man in anticipation of what the man and woman would need! A strong shot of espresso at 5:30 in the morning to get the day started right! It is truly a miracle that I have not crumbled into a heap of sobbing puddles at all that is yet to be done. But, I’m not, and it’s truly an amazing feeling.
I have, for sure, had my moments of completely freaking out, because poop had literally hit the wall, the laundry exploded, and I was so tired I couldn’t tell if it was morning or night. I have had my fair share of the terrible horrible no good very bad days and I’m sure there will be more coming. But, there’s a difference in my step, there’s a difference to how I view each day, each minute, each moment.
What has changed is my perspective that Jesus Christ is truly in control and I have the confidence to let him be. Confidently making choices, often with wise counsel, but without fear to weather it’s the right decision or not. I am learning to wait in peace to see if the answer to my decision will be met with a yes, no, or maybe from my heavenly father. I am learning to truly rest in God’s all sufficiency. It’s true, he really is capable of holding us up, walking us through, and he is VERY good at it! He has full filled my role as my blood covenant representative and I am truly free indeed. Whatever I get done or don’t get done will be used by God the Father to teach me and love on me. If the laundry doesn’t get done, I am still loved. If Timmy cries for 10 more minutes, I am still ok and he is still ok, and I am still loved. If the house explodes either literally or figuratively whichever comes first, I am still loved AND cherished! God the Father knows that I am a young mama, he knows how taxing my days are, and he knows that while I may look like super woman on the outside, on the inside I am ready to fall apart on the days I forget to look to him. He knows I am merely human, he knows and is ready to pick me up off the ground, dust me off, and let me come into his waiting arms in restful, blissful peace.
The change in perspective is that God is my level to how I am doing. Not me, not Mark, nor my family or friends! God is my level for how I am loving and meeting my families needs. God knows there are days and weeks I need to stop what I am doing for others to get my needs met, in fact this would be classified as wise. There is nothing worse than a mama with needs that aren’t being met and continue to be put on the back burner. She’s either going to burn out or erupt and no one wants that!
I gave myself permission to not be perfect today, tomorrow, or ever. I gave myself permission to be human, to need a Savior, to need someone to hold me, to cry and grieve the tiredness. There is tremendous strength in admitting I do not have it all together, when I’m honest with myself and others, it’s amazing how much human care is shown to me. I am giving myself permission to go for walks and eat chocolate, I am giving myself permission to breathe and get my confidence from Christ, not the stars and stripes or dots that others give me. I’m resting not in my ability, not in what I can do or what others can do for me, but what Jesus Christ, my rock, has already done for me! I am free to be tired, free to be a mess, and free to let it go!
There will be days I forget to rest in the Father’s arms, there will be times life is still terribly painful, literally and figuratively. There will still be times when I don’t understand why God is doing what he is doing, but I’m gaining the confidence to sit back and let him drive. I’m learning to sit back, ask a few questions out of curiosity, but with genuine confidence that he knows where we are going and what it will take to get there. I am learning to begin to see the world through Christ’s eyes, through the same eyes the disciples had, it’s awing that I am learning to have their eyes. The power of God the Father through Jesus Christ in me! Makes me should, Amen, Hallelujah! It makes peace fall like rain and joy abounds!