I love the new roles God has placed before me. I love being Mark’s business partner, mentoring my four kids through their lives, and helping a community to come together to promote our amazing town. I love the passion I see through out Albert Lea in making our community a place we want to live.
While I love my new roles, I also get overwhelmed and fearful. Thoughts of will I measure up and what if I’m not enough surface. Failure has never been something I have done well. I chose to lay low and it was better to not try than fail. Now that I am not laying low and I could potentially belly flop in front of everyone that matters to me on earth, I feel the pressure and it often moves me to tears. I don’t want to disappoint anyone, I want to do a 110% effort at everything I do, and while I know there is a learning curve in anything you do. I like to think that doesn’t apply to me and I get frustrated I am not where I already where I want to be. I am over critical and hard on myself.
As often is the case with our kids. The job, client meetings, and my other responsibilities are not the lesson. I am learning how to let my heavenly father pick me up after a mistake. I am learning I am not my mistake, to learn from it, and let it make me more awesome at what I am doing. I am developing perseverance and endurance to keep learning, reading, and growing in the areas I want to be great at. I am learning how to juggle highs and lows of leadership.
I have been reading through the book of Matthew. I want to read, listen, and learn how Jesus lead. How he recharged his leadership batteries, addressed his disciples, and the crowds he taught. What his friendships looked like. Jesus taught the crowd, hung out with the twelve disciples, he had his three close friends, and John his one best friend. This is a model for me as well. It is good to have a crowd, but it is also beneficial and necessary to have a place to have the three and one friend where you can be your real self. The ones who know when you are struggling and know to protect you from the crowd. The ones who know when to call in the angel armies to minister to you, because you are struggling. The ones who know that chocolate, caramel, a great beverage, and soul conversation revive your struggling emotions.
In Matthew 14 a crowd surrounds Jesus and after teaching them they become hungry. The disciples wanted to send the crowd away, but Jesus said no feed them. The disciples had no idea how they could feed a crowd of more than 5,000. Jesus took the five loaves and fishes, blessed them, and fed everyone with some leftover! Afterwards Matthew 14: 22-23, says, “Immediately He made the disciples get into the boat and go ahead of Him to the other side, while He sent the crowds away. After He had sent the crowds away, He went up on the mountain by Himself to pray: and when it was evening, He was there alone.”
As a leader I totally get this. Jesus needed his Abba, he needed his Abba to recharge his soul, energize his emotions, bring his peace back, and be the holy breath that breathed confidence back into his mind, body, and soul. Humbled that Abba thinks I am capable of some of the feats he is asking, awed and emotional when something is accomplished beautifully, and I need Abba to remind me I am more than capable and in fact I am meant for what I am doing. That concept and thought has a whole lot of emotions attached to it. Emotions that need to be felt and brought to God to remind me of his power.
I, too, need to go up on the mountain alone and let Abba help me change from one role to other. Let him help my mind go from the crowd or client, to being a one on one mentor to my kids. Going from mentoring my kids, to being the encouraging wife Mark needs me to be. I need to meet with Abba one on one throughout my day, I need to do it alone. Going to him alone allows all other voices to be drowned out. His voice must be the only one I hear at that moment.
I do not walk my journey on earth alone, I walk it with the God of angel armies beside me, in me, and through me. I meet him alone on the mountain and peace, joy, confidence, and hope abound.